Am I crazy?

Wow!

2010-07-20T17:18:00.004-04:00

What a long time since I last updated here. So many things have happened. So many things have changed. My deep relationship with God is the biggest change. I'm not going to delete the blog that I had before, but I think I'll start blogging again. I'd like to compare the two me's...see how I've progressed in life. I don't have internet at home (or tv), but I will update as much as possible here at my mother's.

There might be a lot of talk about the grace of Jesus Christ, and about my being a grandmother. I might throw in some other stuff in between...but sorry to disappoint - no sex talk, and no cursing. It's just not who I am anymore. I'm a lighter, rated G (sometimes pg-13) version of who I was before. Still divorced, but not depressed. I am extremely happy. Not that I don't have bad days...everyone does. I just like to concentrate on the good, not the bad.

That being said - I do miss my Weiner Schnetzel still and will always. Forgive me for being scared.

Granny

2009-08-11T12:52:00.000-04:00

Is it that being a grandmother actually changes who you are? Or does it just shine a bright light on the things that matter in life? I’m 38, and I am a grandmother. I am young, but I still feel a kinship with other grandmothers young and old. My mother and I are closer than we have ever been. She is a GREAT grandmother now. She tells me that being a great grandmother is even better than being a regular old grandmother. I can’t even imagine a better thing – but she would know.

My new best friend.

2009-07-08T11:46:00.002-04:00

I've become my new best friend. For once in my life, I am making good decisions. I am proud of who I am. Too bad it had to happen at 38, but thank God it happened at some point. Now, I just need to get my finances straightened out, and move into the little house that my parents are building for me. It'll be October before I move in. I hope it is a little sooner than that. I am still living with my daughter and her husband and it is a little crowded. The sad part will be not seeing my beautiful granddaughter every single day...but, I have a feeling that she will be staying with me an awful lot. I hope so.

I am happy. I have figured out that I am happier when I am not in a relationship, or seeking to be in one. So, it is my conclusion that I should probably stay single for a few years, if not forever. That thought does not make me sad AT ALL. I am figuring out what makes me - ME. I like ME so far.

No New Ideas

2009-05-01T11:41:00.003-04:00

I have nothing. My brain is numb. I can't even find a catchy tune to tumble around in my head. Could it be that I am exhausted from feeding a hungry half turtle/half worm early this morning? Really. I'm excited to be looking at the computer monitor, and even more excited that my fingers are typing, but that is about the extent of my excitement for today. Practice makes perfect. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Don't make that face or it will stick that way forever.

Gotta Go.

Back in the Saddle?

2009-04-30T11:36:00.002-04:00

I’m so glad that I didn’t delete my blog! After reading some of it, though – I thought my eyes were going to bleed. How fucking boring! Seriously? What kind of monotone bullshit was I writing for so long? I thought I was A WRITER. No clever quips, no sarcastic funnies, just a lot of freakin boring talk about nothing. What a loser!

I’m not here to write about sex. I am not here to get any readers. As a matter of fact, I hope no one even notices that I have started writing here again. My main objective is to try some new ideas, and at least attempt to prove to myself that I can write a paragraph that wont put me to sleep

Peace on Earth

2008-04-05T21:01:00.002-04:00

My dogs are barking. The house is very clean. I smell bleach. It is dark, cloudy and drizzly outside, but not cold. I can hear the dryer turning in the kitchen, and I am thinking about washing my clothes for the week. I am alone. I am finally alone.

My alone time is very precious to me, and I haven't had enough of it lately. My daughter has moved out, but sleeps on my couch most of the time still. My nephew drops by unannounced at least 3 times a night, and my ex is alway here. They have all finally left for the evening, and for once, I can have some peace.

Tomorrow, I am going to spend some time with my beautiful mother. I have not seen her in a couple of weeks, and I need my "mommy" time. She keeps me sane.

I went running today in the drizzle. It was nice. I love to run in the rain. My running partner and I are only running 3 times a week. I think I will start going without her a couple of days a week. I am really getting the bug, so I must run more often. I think she was kind of mad that I decided to go and visit my mom tomorrow instead of going to church with her. I don't care. She went to see Ron White tonight and invited someone else to go...so THERE.

I feel a headache creeping up the back of my neck. Soon it will devour the right side of my head. I am starting to feel a deep need to become Jackie Chan, or Jim Carey, so I know that PMS is on the horizon. I don't just want to imitate Jackie Chan or Jim Carey, I want to become them. It is usually one or the other. Right now, I am feeling sort of Jackie Chan-ish, but it could flip very quickly. I'm never both at the same time.

So, enough of my crazy talk. I should take advantage of my alone time and masturbate.

Waiting

2008-04-04T09:14:00.002-04:00

I am waiting patiently to hear from school about my admission to the program. Waiting, waiting, waiting. We are always waiting. I am kind of a "right now!" person. I hate to wait. Oh, I was sooo impatient when I was younger. I am still impatient, I just have to stuff it down, and sometimes I just want to scream! However, on the outside, no one would ever know.

My daughter just started taking birth control again. She has a new boyfriend. (Hey. She is almost 20, so what can I say?). I am very glad that she is taking control of her body. I am relieved, especially since the ex is going to be a grandpa. I'm not ready. I would deal with it - just like my parents did, but I am not ready. She also received the maximum amount of financial aid for next school year as well. Woo hoo!
I just have to keep praying that she makes the right decisions. There is still time for things to go very wrong, because my daughter is, afterall, human.

I have slept with my CPAP machine for the past two nights in a row - ALL NIGHT! Now, that is an accomplishment to be proud of. I feel good.

My friend and I are still running. Twice this week so far, and we are going again tomorrow. I can already tell that I am losing weight around my belly. I just want to look good...for myself. I am tired of avoiding places and friends because I feel fat, or because I am afraid they will ask me if I am pregnant. Women have to worry about those things, ya know. It hasn't happened yet, but I expect it too if I dont keep exercising.

Oh. Oh...and my libido is coming back full force. I am keeping my vibrator in my bed at all times now, just in case of emergency.

Not Much

2008-04-01T16:57:00.003-04:00

I have had the urge to cut my hair lately, but I am going to keep on keepin on. I must remain steadfast in my commitment. Especially, since I am jogging again and I am starting to notice some weight loss. I can't remember having long hair, and being skinny at the same time. Every time I start getting into shape, I get the urge to cut my hair again.

I have another mammogram on Thursday. No big deal. Just a re-check. I am not too worried about it. I am more anxious about going back to my primary care doctor and getting my thyroid tested again. I am still torn between hoping that I am finally going to find a cure to my fatigue and sluggishness, and finding out that I have to take yet another pill every day to keep my fat ass healthy. I am hoping that the jogging is going to have a significant effect on my triglyceride levels. One thing that pisses me off, is that I do not eat alot. I don't sit around snacking. It is rare for me to buy junk food, and I drink water all day long. Some of my friends have made comments about my not eating as much as they expected for me to have gained so much weight over the past few years. I'm not really sure what the deal is. I watch television and it always says, cut out sodas and junk food...blah blah blah...drink more water. Every time I hear that most overweight people have a "stash" of junk food, or drink most of their calories, I get so pissed. I don't do those things. Arrrgh! The only way for me to truly lose weight (and I know I have said this before), is to run 4 miles a day - every day. I guess that is why I am picking up jogging again. I know that it will help some, but it wont entirely take care of my weight. Last time I was running 4 miles a day, sometimes more, I lost weight, but I was not even close to being my ideal weight. I would have had to cut my food intake in half, and then I wouldn't have the energy to run. Whatever.

Other than that, I am feeling really good about myself. I feel I am moving toward the person that I want to be. I am in a good place mentally.

I know my blog has been pretty boring as of late. The only thing on my mind anymore is getting ahead in school, getting healthy, and trying to get proper sleep. Basic things. 2 more years of school seems like an awful long time right now. I am really trying to get that out of my head.

My ex's son got his girlfriend pregnant, so it looks like he is going to be a grandpa. I am secretly excited about the prospect. I love his son, and therefore, I will be loving on a grand baby. Since, I decided not to have anymore children after my daughter was born, I think this will fill a special place in my heart until my own daughter has her children YEARS from now.

Sometimes

2008-03-31T11:38:00.003-04:00

Sometimes, I wish that my ex had never moved back in. I mean, I do like having the extra money. I REALLY like having the extra money. But, now that my daughter has moved out, I kinda would like to know what it is like to live all alone, and to answer to only myself. Now, the ex and I still have a strictly platonic relationship, but still, after living together as man and wife, the dynamics of our relationship are a little bit different than ordinary room mates. It is hard to explain. I guess it is just companionship multiplied to the 2nd or something. I am starting to really find out who I am, and I would like to see myself without him in the picture. Unfortunately, it is not going to happen right now. Unless, he meets someone, or I meet someone, we are just going to continue living together, because I need the cash and he needs the cheap rent. It isn't that bad. I just know that someday, I am going to have to try it on my own.

My friend and I are still jogging. We went 3 times last week, and plan to do the same this week. I already feel better. I am looking forward to going again tonight. I hope she keeps it up. I love to run, and I love having a running partner.

I wonder if my libido will come back after I lose a few pounds. I finally got around to pleasuring myself again last night. It was nice. I need to do that again. One day, though, I hope to have the real thing, but for now, this will have to suffice.

So Glad

2008-03-28T12:21:00.003-04:00

I am so glad that I can update from work now. I'm dreading the time when I get cut off again. But, for now, I shall enjoy!

I had a journal on this website, and the site went down, so my journal was deleted. I have had that journal since 2004, or so. I was very sad to see it go. I never thought about losing all of that. Oh well, I guess it was time to start a new chapter anyway. The journal was mostly about hair, but I also added a lot about things going on in my life too. Sad to see it go for sure. I am still going to maintain a journal there, but I am keeping it strictly about hair (you know, since I am growing my hair to the floor and all).

My ex husband is starting to claim that he doesnt have enough money to pay me. He always comes through with his half of the rent, but when I ask him for money to pay the utilities, he never has it. I think he has paid for groceries once out of the 50 times that I have. I guess I'll have to give him a good old fashioned "pep talk" of the pay-up-or-get-the-hell-out kind. I really don't want to be taken advantage of. At least this time, I am not getting screwed literally...and I am not emotionally invested at all. Even with him not paying utitilities, I am still better off having him pay half the rent, so there you go.

No B for Me

2008-03-26T09:48:00.002-04:00

I got an A in the class that I was so worried about. I am very happy about that. I had resigned to the fact that I was going to get a B, but dang I am glad it was an A. Thing is, my grade was pretty close to an A, and my teacher gave me an A for effort. That is fine. I can live with that.

I got a phone call from the admissions office the other day. The admissions counselor that is going over my application to the Rad Tech program said that I did not have the right CPR card. She said that I am supposed to have BLS for Healthcare Providers, and mine was just Heartsavers. What??? I couldn't even speak. I think I mumbled something like, " Are you sure? Pfft. Hhhh. Hmmm. Wha?". I finally said, "Okay", and hung up the phone. I couldn't speak for 5 minutes. This is going to keep me from getting into the program. I will have to wait another year to apply!
Fortunately, it was a mistake. I had received the wrong card from the American Heart Association. I did take the BLS for Health Care Providers! I thought I had. I knew I had. So, my instructor called the school to ensure that the mistake would not be counted against me. Shew!

I started running again last night. My good friend/neighbor and I decided to start jogging before taking kickboxing at the local gym. We both decided that we don't want to look like a couple of idiots gagging and coughing and wheezing in front of our peers. It went well, and we are going again tonight. She wants to work up to 2 miles, which will be easy peasy. I am hoping once she gets up to 2 miles, she will want to do 4. We will see.

I keep having dreams about a high school buddy of mine. I am not sure what that means. He lives in California and is happily married. He has a Doctorate in Bioengineering, and is very respected in his field. We were best friends in high school, and hung out a lot while he was a student at Georgia Tech. But, he moved away and we have pretty much fallen out of touch. I wonder if I should contact him. Something might be going on if he keeps following me around in my dreams.

Life

2008-03-21T10:14:00.004-04:00

Grades are going to be posted today. I think I may have gotten my first 'B'. I am not happy about it. I guess there are worse things going on in the world. But, you know what? This is MY world damn-it, and I am not happy with a 'B'. That B is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I'm gonna get over it. I am going to talk myself in to being fine with a B. I might even forget about it on most days.

A friend of mine sent an email to all of her friends, including me, ranting about her ex-husband and how pitiful his relationship is with his daughter. Now, he does try. He deligently pays child support, and he tries to get his daughter to visit with him and his new family a couple of states away; however, he hasnt ever really built a bond with his daughter. I don't think he knows how, and I kind of feel sorry for him really. Anyway, my friend sent an email to all of us complaining about how her ex hasn't called his daughter in a couple of months, and how he should try harder to bond with her (which I agree), and how basically he is just a loser. I guess she must have forgotten that I raised my daughter without child support, and my daughter's father has been in prison for most of the time that she has been alive.
I wasn't offended by her email at all. We all have issues that we need to vent about to our friends. I am just giving a little background so that you might understand my response to her email:

"Well, I just think all men are A-holes anyway, with very few exceptions. All can be described in one word – S.E.L.F.I.S.H.

They can’t help it. God made them that way, unfortunately. We should feel sorry for them…maybe, bake them a cake with nothing on but an apron and high heels.

How about we cut the grass for them riding topless on the riding lawnmower? Better yet, we can listen to them wine about how pathetic their lives are. Let’s just give them all a break, and let the court system know that we don’t want child support anymore, that it is too much of a burden on the men, and anyway, how are they supposed to have fun with the guys and whores when they are spending all their hard earned money on their children?"

By the way Van, you are definitely one of the exceptions, along with my own father.

I got a collective "AMEN" from all of my friends on my response - which now that I think about it, is pretty sad.

I am definitely looking forward to this weekend. No homework. I am going to do some spring cleaning, and maybe take a nice relaxing bath.

Where Did I Leave Off?

2008-03-19T15:16:00.002-04:00

I can not remember where I left off before. I suppose I could read back to January and find out, but I am too darn lazy. I finally got away from prying eyes at work for just enough time to type out a blog entry.

So, the results of my sleep lab: I have sleep apnea. I have to wear a fabulous CPAP machine every night. I have only slept all the way thru the night once. Twice until 4am, and other times til around 1am. Really, I am kind of grateful that my insurance not only paid for my $4000.00 sleep study, but they also paid for my CPAP machine. Absolutely no out-of-pocket for me on that one. That being said, I am going to try my best to wear it as I should. I REALLY felt a difference this morning after using it. I woke up feeling like superwoman. I still have a lot of lost sleep to catch up on. They say it takes a while to make up the sleep deficit that I have accumulated over the years. Apparently, I wasn't going into stage 4 sleep, nor REM. Wow.

Also, my doctor called and indeed my thyroid function is STILL low, and said that I would probably have to be put on meds, but that he is going to wait two more months and then retest me. I am glad he is testing me one more time, although, it is a pain in the ass to wait for medication that might make me feel better. I think once you start taking thyroid medicine you are on it for life, so I want him to be sure that I definitely need it first.

Enough of that health stuff.

My daughter moved out a couple of weeks ago. She is VERY homesick, but I think she will get used to it. She only ended up moving a couple of blocks from me, but the house does seem empty. She sent me a text at 2am the other day telling me she was sooo homesick - and then at 6am she was standing over my bed looking at me. She had been bike riding the day before and rode too many miles. Her aching muscles woke her up, so where was she to go??? MOM's. Yep. That's me. Curer of all ailments. Thank you. Thank you. Next time. I hope it is more like 10am than 6am.

Whoa!

2008-03-14T10:02:00.003-04:00

Wait! For some reason, I can now log onto my blog from work! WTF???
HMMMM. Now, I am worried. Did they specifically target this blog, because I had visited it so much in the past, or was it just an error. They do that here sometimes. They have blocked all websites on accident.

Okay, well. I have a lot to write about - just no time. Damn. I feel like I have been put on the spot with nothing to say. I will come up with something. Just give me a minute.

Quiet

2008-01-30T17:08:00.000-05:00

Well, it was quiet. I thought my bosses were gone, but now I hear them talking. Damn! I thought I was home free to write my blog. Now it will have to be short and sweet.

I have my sleep study appt. It is scheduled for next Tues, Feb. 5th. I am sure excited to get it over. Plus, I hear they put you in a big cozy bed and give you a nice sleepy pill. Sounds like a great night to me. What if I have to pee? Will they have to unhook me from all the monitors? I get up several times a night normally. Hmmm.

Well, I have to go, I can hear the sounds of my bosses getting closer.

Not Bitter

2008-01-28T17:30:00.000-05:00

I am doing horrible in my Intro to Computer class. I'm drifting to the hilarious side of not really funny in that class. I can't figure out what I am doing wrong! My online teacher is sooo hard! It is soooo damn funny! I think the problem lies in the fact that I expected it to be an easy class, so I have been slacking, and it really shows. I have to kick in my game, or drop that class.

I am meeting my daughter in the big ATL tomorrow after work. We are going to go looking at apartments. She couldn't get into the dorms. The waiting list is over a year long. So, we are looking at Virginia Highlands, or Inman Park - ish. We really aren't going to have a lot of daylight to look tomorrow, but she is impatient(just like me), and she is flying to Orlando this weekend. Her friend Cory bought two plane tickets for my daughter and step-daughter to visit him in FL. Good friend, eh? I think he has a crush on my daughter(why else would a boy buy a plane ticket for a girl?). He could have a crush on my step-daughter, but I think they know each other too well or something like that.

Really, I am not bitter. I have lost all of my bitterness regarding males. The older I get, the less bitter I am. I really don't feel much of anything where males are concerned. I swear. I am not mad. I remember in my 20's, man, I made a fool of myself. I really went all out to be bitter and cool and unfeeling...I ended up closing myself off, and opting for bad opportunities instead of good. I mean, I can spot a player from a mile away. And if I want a player, I shall persue one. If I don't, I wont. I can also spot a good man. I can spot a rich man. Thing is, I DON'T CARE! Ha! I need to focus more on me, and I just can not give any little part of me away right now. I do get sad, I do get lonely - but, for the most part, I am enjoying keeping all of me. Once I can do that with a man. I will have something to offer. But, I am not bitter...and that is nice.

Ophelia

2008-01-24T11:45:00.000-05:00

I am feeling a little lyrical today. So, this post is going to be short and sweet.
Although, I do have an awful lot to say about the human race in general, I am just going to post some lyrics and be done for the day...

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it...

My Skin - Natalie Merchant

Take a look at my body
Look at my hands
There's so much here
That I don't understand

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

Contempt loves the silence
It thrives in the dark
With fine winding tendrils
That strangle the heart

They say that promises
Sweeten the blow
But I don't need them
No, I don't need them

I've been treated so wrong
I've been treated so long
As if I'm becoming untouchable

I'm a slow dying flower
Frost killing hour
The sweet turning sour
And untouchable

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
Angel sweet
Love of my life
O, I need this

Do you remember the way
That you touched me before
All the trembling sweetness
I loved and adored?

Your face saving promises
Whispered like prayers
I don't need them
No, I don't need them

O, I need
The darkness
The sweetness
The sadness
The weakness
I need this

I need
A lullaby
A kiss goodnight
The angel sweet
Love of my life
I need this

Is it dark enough?
Can you see me?
Do you want me?
Can you reach me?
Or I'm leaving

You better shut your mouth
Hold your breath
Kiss me now you'll catch my death
O, I mean it

Oh NO!

2008-01-23T16:20:00.001-05:00

I know what this feeling is. I just figured it out while listening to a Tool song.
Er. I am just about to go thru a self-destructive phase. Hmmm. The antsy feeling. The not knowing quite what I need, but knowing that I need something. I feel the need to do something - even if it is wrong. Uh oh.

I feel it coming. Maybe it will pass. Do I want it to?

Froggy

2008-01-23T13:34:00.000-05:00

I am pretty darn sad about Heath Ledger being dead. My daughter and I had a mutual admiration for Mr. Ledger. We were our own little mother-daughter fan club. When she was younger, we used to watch 10 Things I Hate About You, and A Knight's Tale over and over and over. When she called to let me know, she sounded teary and she just shouted , "Mom! Heath Ledger is dead!". I thought she was kidding and I told her to shut up...HA. So, I turned on the news and yep. There it was. He is dead.
I guess it could seem silly to mourn the loss of someone that we don't even know, but we felt like we knew him, and we certainly wanted to see more of his cute little face. Anyway, my daughter and I still have Johnny Depp. Lets pray he sticks around a long time.

My ex is trying to be a little manipulative about the finances, but fortunately, I have years of experience with his little manuevers. He keeps trying to confuse me by saying, "I will pay half of the rent now, and the other half on the next check", and then he will say, "Well, I can buy these heaters and you can give me $30, and I will take it off of the money I owe you", or "I'll pay for dinner and we can take it off my bill"...Um, NOPE. I kind of got myself intertwined in that this past month, but it aint happenin! I just sent him an email explaining how we are going to be handling everything. EVERYTHING is to be seperate! EVERYTHING! No paying for this and taking off that. NO! NO! NO! He is using the ol' switcheroo, I gave you a hundred dollar bill not a twenty. I'm not stupid.

I am so glad that we are not married still. I am really, seriously over that man. I have NO feelings for him whatsoever. I haven't had sex for almost a year now, and that doesn't even make me want to be with him. I did buy myself a nice little vibrator that I have used a few times over the past week or so. I LIKE it.

I feel myself coming alive again. I want to feel. I don't know how much I want to feel, but that is a start. At least, I am alive and there is hope.

I can become quite solitare. If I choose to not feel, I can accomplish that without great effort. I can become stone. I can be a shell of a person, with nothing inside. If I choose. It doesnt hurt. It is quite comfortable there. Trouble is, I can stay there forever.

Whoa! Okay, back to reality. The reality is, I am ready for some excitement. There is just one catch to that - I don't feel good. I am going to wait until I get all the test results back from the doctor. Then, I am going to try and get back into some sort of normal shape health wise. I need to lose some weight for sure. AND THEN, maybe I can think about dating again. Not sure what I will tell the ex, but it really isn't any of his business.

So, that being said. LP, your strong personality might crush me like a pancake, but then again, it might just be perfect.

Cholesterol

2008-01-22T10:34:00.000-05:00

Oh man, I am a space cadet today. I can't even function.

I am taking a new cholesterol medicine. My triglycerides are still really high. The nurse that called me also said, "Your liver is increased and your thyroid has decreased." Huh? I said, "Now say that again.", and she repeated the same thing again. I didn't ask a lot of questions. I should have. But, I am seeing the Dr again for a retest in a few weeks, so I guess they will know more then. I can wait. I just agreed to pick up the new cholesterol medicine and schedule an appt to come back in a month. Weird.

Maybe, I am not crazy. Maybe, I don't feel good for a reason. That would be a hoot. What? You mean, I am not fat and lazy afterall? Wow.

My daughter's Hope scholarship finally cleared, so she should be getting a fat check from financial aid soon. I see her apartment on the horizon.

Snow

2008-01-17T09:54:00.001-05:00

We had snow yesterday. Huge, fluffy, beautiful white flakes. Very nice. That is one thing about living in the south. I was thanking God for his glorious gift of snow yesterday, because it was such a beautiful sight. I guess if you get snow every day, its not so pretty anymore. Just my guess, but I am thinking people up north don't thank God for the pretty snowflakes.

I have an exam tomorrow. It is an entrance exam for the radiology program. Somehow I managed to get the very last slot for the test. I had no idea that this was the very last test before the cutoff deadline. I just happen to have 60 bucks in my pocket and decided to go ahead and pay for the test. I thought I was getting in waaaaaaay early, but apparently, I got the very last slot. I felt like I had won the lottery, and I also felt a little divine intervention action had happened. (I'm just sayin')
I am normally the person that walks up after all the slots have been filled.

By the way LP...I fell in love with you that weekend. End of story.

Today I am volunteering at the pregnancy center, and I am just not into it today. I just feel so different than the other ladies. Of course, we are all there for the same reason, so I should get over myself.

My doctor wants me to do a sleep study to check for sleep apnea, and then he is going to refer me to an ENT, but he said it would be easier to go ahead and do the sleep study first to rule out apnea.

I better get back to work.

APT

2008-01-12T09:44:00.001-05:00

I feel myself getting closer and closer to a big, fat, greasy heart attack any day now. Ack. I can just feel my thick, fatty, blood oozing slowly through my veins. My poor heart...

I am at work on Saturday yet again. I like to work on Saturday. I feel like I am accomplishing something worthwhile. I guess it is the extra 4 hours on my paycheck. If I were at home, I would be lying around watching tv thinking that I should have just gotten up and gone in to work. "I could have put in 3 hours by now" - that is the tape that usually winds through my head every Saturday morning that I choose to stay home.

I am busy looking for my daughter an apt. It is such a hard task. She needs to be within walking distance of the University, but it is located in a kind of rough area. I just can't decide if it is worth it to put her in a dorm, or get her an apt so she can roomie with her step-sister. I just don't know if her step-sister is ready to move out. Maybe, the dorm would be the better choice. They just seem so much more expensive. However, if they take it directly from her financial aid, then maybe she wont have the chance to blow the money on tattoos before she pays rent.

Anywho, just needed to vent for a minute.

Ready?!

2008-01-09T17:32:00.001-05:00

Well, everyone is leaving work right now. I am pretty happy about that. Now, I get to update my blog without looking over my shoulder.

For some reason, I am craving a big bowl of Lucky Charms. Yum.

I am meeting a friend after work for dinner. We are having Mexican, and I am sure looking forward to it. I guess I should give the ex a call just to give him a heads up that I wont be home for din-din.

Really. I am going to do it. I am going to give myself a make-over. I really need it. I really need to get back into shape. I have no idea why it is so hard to get motivated this time. I wish I had something to blame it on. I am feeling so much better now that my PMS is gone. I feel like I could conquer the world. It helps that I went skating the other night, and then walked about two miles at the University with my daughter the next day.

I have got to get myself together. I have my eye on a couple of prizes, and I need to get myself ready for the challenge. Hmmm. Yes, I am ready! I want to be sexy. I want to be wanted. I feel ready.

Moon Cup

2008-01-08T11:43:00.000-05:00

I am using a moon cup. If you dont know what it is...look it up. It is fantastic.

I am getting curious about dating again. At what point should I tell my date that I live with my ex-husband?

Sunday night I finally went skating. I have the bruises to show for it. It was so much fun. I went to a roller rink, but I really want to race down the local paved trail, but I am terrified of being murdered. I need to get some pepper spray, a taser gun, and possibly a 9mm to carry with me if I go alone.

By the way, I love to watch cop shows where the bad guy gets tasered. I can't help it. It makes me laugh til I cry.

Grouch

2008-01-04T11:58:00.000-05:00

I feel crappy and depressed today. I need to do something fun and exciting, but I just dont feel like it. Maybe, I should take an extra antideppressant pill. I don't think that my doctor would approve...

I guess I have PMS. My daughter is kinda getting on my nerves lately. I feel like she has done nothing to prepare for school next week. She stays up all night and every morning she is asleep on my couch. It is annoying. I love her, but she needs to pull it together. I am constantly online checking that she has everything turned in to the university to take care of financial aid, and registration and transfer credit, while she sits back and does nothing. Arrrgh! And I just realized that she has no idea about parking and we haven't made any arrangements. I found out where she can park for free, but she is going to have to ask me about it. I want her to take a little bit of initiative, man.

I am a grouch, I am tired, I am bored.

I haven't done anything at work today. I keep playing on the internet and I will probably get caught very soon.

I swear I almost vomited when I looked in the mirror yesterday. How nice. I am aging so gracefully...ack! I really did dry heave after looking at my lovely shape in the mirror. Why don't people get physically ill when they come in contact with me? Wouldn't that be funny? If no one could look at me without dry heaving, or projectile vomiting.

I have broken every single new year's resolution that I made to myself, of course. It took me about 3 seconds into the new year.

Ew. I am a mess right now. Hormones anyone?

New Year's Eve

2007-12-31T10:18:00.000-05:00

I am here at work again. I was an hour late this morning. Not that anyone cares. My boss isn't even here. I am so tired.

My daughter and I went to the memorial service for her friend yesterday. It was sad and draining. They had a slide show of photos and it was an "open" forum. We were all enouraged to stand and say something about Michael. I was doing well enough just to sit in my chair and keep my sanity. Several people got up and said their peace. My daughter and I sat and held her ex-boyfriend's hand (who was very close friends with the boy). We met Michael through my daughter's ex-boyfriend. And I can say, if I had not had him to hang on to when I entered the memorial service, I might not have made it to my chair. When I looked up and realized that they had that beautiful boy's pictures on a slide show at the front of the room, I let out a gasp and grabbed Seth's arm. My daughter's ex, being the man he is, understood and stood firm for me while leading me to my chair. After which, he broke down and reached out for mine and my daughter's hands. I thought that I would feel better after the service. Like, closure...But, that didn't happen. I think it is because of his age, and the tragic manner in which he died. Beautiful, beautiful Michael will remain in our hearts forever.

My daughter collapsed with exhaustion and slept for hours after we got home. I can't even begin to imagine how Michael's family feels. I don't want to imagine. I just pray that they make it through.

I don't want to be here today. I want to be at home.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to turn over a new leaf. Try to be healthier. But, I think I may add making life more exciting. Trying some new things. Maybe, even trying something dangerous like sky diving or base jumping (kidding), but really, life is short and I should take advantage. I use to fear dying, but now I just think that I fear "not living".

Christmas

2007-12-26T09:33:00.000-05:00

Christmas was a grand affair. My daughter and step-daughter loved their gifts for their apartment. Now, we just need to find an apartment to stick them in.

Yesterday, one of my daughter's male friends committed suicide. He shot himself in the head. I am not sure exactly when he shot himself, I just know that he died last night. I loved this boy. He was one of my favorites. We had the same favorite band in common, and he would get so excited talking to me about music. He talked a lot, and he was really "out there". He was a genius. He was so smart that it drove him crazy. I have only met a handful of people out there like him, and now we are one less. We haven't talked to him in about a year or so, just because that is how things happen when you are 19 or 20...but, I can't help but think about how things might be different if we had only kept in touch with him. Could anyone have done anything to change it? One little tiny effort on someone elses part could have made a difference. I am good with teenagers, if only I had told him that if he were ever feeling down he could call me at any time. I feel sad, and I am also angry at him. I always wondered how people could be angry at someone that committed suicide, but now I know. I would like to stop time - grab the gun from his hand, and beat his ass.

The funeral is Saturday. I'll have to prepare myself.

My daughter is also crushed. I actually walked in on them making out once. However, she didnt want to be more than friends, and kinda broke his heart. I know that she feels tremendous guilt. I will have to remember to focus on her heart and not my own.

Christmas Eve

2007-12-24T12:42:00.000-05:00

So, I have this friend. Well, I'll call him a friend. Anyway, blogs are all about confessions, right? Since this person no longer reads my journal, I feel pretty safe about posting this blog entry.

Earlier this year, say around February (I think?), my husband and I took at trip up north to pick up a friend.

You know what? What I have to say about this person is going to take much longer than I have right now. I will have to finish this entry later.

It is Christmas Eve, and I am at work. I am planning to leave around 2. Jolly good times.

I really have nothing to say. Wow.

Lovely Saturday

2007-12-22T09:43:00.000-05:00

I came into work this morning, and it is berry, berry quiet. I can write a blog entry in peace. Yowza.

I had planned to wake up at 5am and do some Christmas shopping at Wal-Mart, but that didn't quite work out as planned. I crawled out of bed around 6:40am, stumbled around, got back in the bed and snuggled wth my bulldog Frankie til around 7:30am. I finally managed to make it to Wal-Mart around 8:30am. It was crowded, but not nearly as crowded as I had thought it would be. It was actually a rather pleasant crowd. I got all my stuff and was out by 9:11. I couldn't believe it!

I managed to get my daughter some stuff for her apartment (when she moves out). I got a microwave, blender, bagel toaster, and coffee pot, all for around $110.00. I do believe that is the CHEAPEST that I have ever gotten off for Christmas. I am still in awe of myself. And the thing is, it LOOKS like a lot of stuff! She will think I spent BILLIONS! I am so happy. I am going to make her a little stocking and stuff some cash and candy in there, and I am D-O-N-E. Shew!

My ex-husband keeps complaining that he doesnt have any money to spend on his children for Christmas. I have to keep biting my tongue to keep from offering to help him out. Actually, the gifts that I bought for my daughter are going to be for his daughter as well, since his daughter and my daughter will be sharing the apartment. I just have to keep reminding myself that he spent his money on bullshit that he didn't need, and I sacrificed so that I could buy my daughter's Christmas. I am; however, going to make his daughter a matching stocking to the one I am giving my daughter. I love his daughter very, very much...but, the gift will be from me, not him.

I feel really good today. The only thing I have left to do today is get myself a pedicure. I keep trying to talk myself out of it, because it seems like such a waste of money to spend it on myself. But, damn-it! I deserve it.

Wide Load

2007-12-21T10:30:00.000-05:00

I just got my paycheck, and it sucked! But the good new is, after looking at what I made this year, I won't be losing my financial aid for school any time soon! Woo hoo!

I need to force myself to work a few more hours than I have been. I have been really taking advantage of my flexible schedule, and this is not a good thing. I think I am going to come in for a few hours on Saturday to punish myself. Oh yes, I like to be punished...even if I have to do it myself.

So, I have a new haircut, and my daughter colored my hair. It has actually been a couple of weeks since I had it done. I love it. I have been styling my hair every single day, which is waaaay out of character for me. My hair just looks so nice after being blown dry . It looks thicker and healthier. I am really going to start taking better care of myself in the new year. Yes. I am. Really. I am going to take care of me. No kidding. Really. Yes.

Next thing on my agenda this week is getting a pedicure, and I am STILL planning on skating down the Silver Comet Trail. Please! Encourage me. I need all the encouragement I can get when it comes to exercise these days. I can hardly make myself get up off the couch. That isn't me. I don't know who has taken over my body, but I want it back!

Counseling was a bit hard yesterday. I don't want to talk a lot about it, but I do want to say that I need to find a way to seperate from the girls that I counsel after they walk out the door. I find myself obsessing over their situations, and I just can't do that to myself. It isn't productive. Last night I finally had to pray out loud about one of the girls. I had to let the words pass thru my lips and out into the air. Otherwise, I felt that my prayer might not be heard. I don't know how to explain it, but it did help. I need to find a constructive way to deal with the load I have chosen to carry.

Life Good

2007-12-18T10:54:00.000-05:00

I am trying to sneak an entry while at work. Geez, I need to get internet at home. The only thing about that is that my ex-husband will probably be spying on anything that I put on the computer and I don't necessarily want him reading my journal. Although, there was a time that I wanted him to read my journal, and he wasn't interested. Imagine that. Your wife writes a journal about all of her thoughts and fantasies, and you are not interested in reading it. Hmmm. I guess I don't know a lot about what goes on in a man's head. I think maybe he was intimidated by my fantasies. I think he thought he wouldn't be able to live up to my imagination. And you know what? He was right.

Things are still going fine with our living situation. He has stopped trying to give me a peck on the lips every time he leaves, and he has not made any type of sexual move or insinuations, etc. I am sooo glad, because to tell you the truth, the thought of any sexual contact with him makes me want to vomit. I am enjoying the nice platonic relationship that we have formed, and the more time I spend with him, the more I realize that we will never be anything more than friends. At least on my end. I do hope that he doesn't have any fantasies of living happily ever after, because that just isn't going to happen. Not in the sense of romantically ever after. If he is holding on to any type of false hope, it isn't my fault. I have made it pretty clear where I stand.

I am going to take my roller skates out to the Silver Comet Trail this weekend. I've got to get a helmet and some safety gear. I aint as young as I used to be, and since I have been lucky enough to have suffered a brain hemmorhage a few years back, I will definitely be covering my noggin with a helmet.

Hi

2007-12-14T10:24:00.000-05:00

Ohhh. I have been meaning to update. It just sucks not having internet at home. The ex and I are going to split the cost to get Comcast wireless, so we can have internet in EVERY room. I am tired of not being able to blog, or check my private email. I can't check anything from work - all private emails are blocked from access. I can't even check my school email. I am surprised that I can even get to blogspot...BUT I CAN!! Haha!

Things are going really well. I got my first check from my financial aid. That was awesome and well needed. I am still waiting on my IRS tax refund (2006) check to be deposited in my account. I sent it off a couple of weeks ago, so it should be any minute now. Woo hoo!

I counseled at the pregnancy center yesterday, and it was my first day counseling the women on my own. Geez! It is so much better being in there alone with the girls. They are so much more responsive one on one, and my brain sure functions alot better without someone watching my every move. I had a good day. I had two clients. Both of them were young girls. I could hear one of the girls crying in the room before I even opened the door. Needless to say, she was smiling and hugging me when she left. What a sweetheart.

Things seem to be working out just fine with my ex being my room mate. For real. It isn't that bad at all. It is like having a companion without all the bullshit and compromise that goes on in a marriage. I say "compromise" because I was the only one who did any. I compromised my health, and sanity on a daily basis...hehe (get it!?).
I don't have anything to lose. It is awesome actually. I come and go when I please, he does the same - and still no hanky panky.

Already?!

2007-12-07T11:02:00.000-05:00

I can NOT believe that it is December 7th already.

Did I mention that my ex-husband did move back in? He moved into the back bedroom last week. It is kinda weird...kinda not. He tells me he loves me occasionally. I never respond. He gives me a peck on the lips in the morning when he leaves for work. That is a little odd. But, other than that, we are friends. No sex, no hanky panky, no making out. So far things are fine.

I must admit that listening to him bitch and complain about work(and everything else that went "wrong" for him during the day)is quite boring, and mind numbing. I hate his constant rambling about dumb ass shit and all the important things he plans to do with his life. I am so over it. He is full of shit and I have accepted that. I do not want to be anything other than friends with him, and I have accepted that as well.

It is funny how things have turned out. I do not have ANY hopes, or expectations of reconciling with the ex. I hope he has sense enough to do the same. I am so relieved to have a room mate to share the bills with. I wish I didnt have to listen to his mouth, but whatever. It beats finding a stranger to move in with. It also beats living with another female.

My daughter got her financial aid award as well. I hope she hasn't blown her Hope scholarship this term. There is a chance that she did, which means she may have to accept a loan that she was offered until she is eligible for Hope again. That pisses me off, because she is a smart girl, she just doesnt realize how not having that scholarship is going to mess with her financially. Whatever.

Sooo, guess better get back to work.

Funny Thing

2007-12-04T12:21:00.000-05:00

Well, I found out today that I will be getting financial aid for school. I have never been eligible for any type of financial aid. Well, Georgia has the Hope grant and/or scholoarship, and so far the Hope grant has been doing good things for me...but, this is different. I am actually getting financial aid!! Like a grant. When I was younger, my dad made too much money for me to qualify, and he couldn't afford to pay for my schooling. When I got older, I was making too much money to qualify...even being a single parent. Now, I finally qualify after taking a job with reduced hours and pay (while I was married), and then divorcing my husband. WOW! I can't believe it! It isn't a lot, but it is enough for me not to have to worry about working reduced hours AND eating. My daughter should qualify for a similar award. I am so relieved. I hope this will help her move out on her own like she wants.

Anyway, I just want to thank God for everything He does for me.

Oh, and I finally started my period last Friday - just before I went out with the girls for a lovely evening on the town. That is a story for another day, though.

God is good. Life is alright. Things are going to get better.

Ya

2007-11-27T12:19:00.000-05:00

I am officially 4 weeks late for my period. I have not had a period since October 3rd. I am officially insane.

I want to be healthy, I want to jump up and grab life by the balls, but it is hard when my hormones are out of wack. It feels like I am carrying around a 50 lb ball with me everywhere. I know that doesn't make any sense to the men, but the women should understand. My mind is foggy. froggy. smoggy.

Overall, I am in an okay mood I guess. I'm here. I'm not exactly present...but, I am not exactly NOT present either. I live in the hither nither of liver land.

Maybe, I'll be someone else for the rest of the day.

Eh?!

2007-11-20T12:52:00.000-05:00

I am trying to make time pass on the longest day of my entire life! I came in to work early this morning, planning on staying til my usual time, so that I could get an extra hour in today. THIS AINT GONNA HAPPEN TODAY! This day is dragging by. I am thinking about poking my eyes out just for fun.

I have to register for a PBS (psychological bureau something or other)exam before applying for my Rad Tech program at school. The cost is $60 dollars. The next one is Dec 7th! That is a little soon. I'm sceeered. It counts for 25% of my competitive admission to the program. The other 75% is my GPA (no problem!). I would like to go ahead and take it, but if I do badly, it is a waste of $60, and I will have to take it again. Part of me just wants to jump on it now, but part of me wants to wait and study a bit. It doesnt look that hard, but I did look at a sample of the test and the science questions might be a little rough. The rest of it is easy peasy. Maybe, I will go for it. Might as well. 60 bucks, eh!? What the hell.

I asked my daughter about the ex moving into the back bedroom. I really wanted to know how she felt about it. She said she thought we needed the extra money and that it wouldn't bother her. She says we get along better now that we are divorced, so she is definitely okay with it. Besides, she knows that extra money for me, means extra money for her. I know anyone reading this probably thinks that I am crazy for doing this, but I assure you, my heart is not involved in this thing anymore. I've got to take what I can get, when I can get it. Starting next FALL, I might not be able to work this job at all. My clinicals will be starting at school, and I am gonna need all the help I can get. Call me a whore, call me a prostitute, call me stupid, but I am going to finish school.

Warning: Sexually Explicit

2007-11-19T13:06:00.000-05:00

Please do not read this entry if you are offended by sexual content.

Okay, I am going completely crazy here. I am sexually frustrated in every way. I had the most twisted dream last night:

I dreamt that I was in an old mansion, and that there were several girls (slaves-in-training), and several Doms just wandering the house looking for a girl to torture. I made myself readily available for any one of the men that were looking. I had a short skirt on, high heels, no panties...everything shaven, everything in just the right place. Nails perfect...but, it seemed none of the "Doms" wanted anything to do with me. I tried for hours it seemed to lure one of them in with my sexual wiles, but none of them gave me a second glance. Finally, I fell asleep on one of the couches in the "main" room, and woke up tied to a device - kind of like a table in the Dr's office, but softer and fluffier. My legs were tied open, so that everyone could see me...and I was being violated in various, evil ways. The entire room was watching me, and my body was aching to cum. I was subjected to various insertions and fucking, and licking, and it all felt so delicious. But...I couldn't cum. No matter what happened, no matter how good it felt, my body would not cooperate, so I was suspended in frustration.

Anyway, not that being suspended in sexual frustration is a bad thing. I just dont want to hang out there forever.

I have been fantasizing for days on end. I think I might explode eventually : )

Waffling

2007-11-19T10:32:00.000-05:00

Oh yes. I am sure that I am about to start my period, because I am pissed off at the world right now. Just try me. Go ahead - I fucking dare you. Wanna mess with a girl who is 20 days late for her period? I double dog fucking dare you.

And it is quite impossible for me to be pregnant - just as a side bar. Unless, of course, I am the Virgin Mary.

I discussed further with the ex this weekend about him possibly moving in as a roommate. I feel that he wants to be more, and I don't. The selfish part of me told him that he is more than welcome to rent a room in my house. I did. I actually told him that he could...I want help with the rent damn it! I can't help it! I am poor! I am weak! Give me a fucking break. However, after spending time with him this weekend, and noticing all the little habits that made me want to scream before he moved out the first time, I am thinking, well, I could have jumped the gun a bit.

Hey groceries aren't everything right? Who needs cable or internet. I am thinking...NOT ME! I could stand to lose a few pounds from lack of groceries. My mom would never let me starve! As long as I can have control of MY remote, and my household, I have won!!

Oh let me apologize to all you (two) readers who may think my "waffling" is a bore. Today, I might invite the ex to move back in - tomorrow, I might change my mind...Wednesday, I might just change my fucking mind again, and Thursday? Who knows!? I dont know what I am doing from one second to the next.

Right now? I just don't give a fuck.

Crap

2007-11-14T11:09:00.000-05:00

I feel like crap. Something is wrong. I just know it. I haven't felt good in a while. I must need exercise and vitamin C or something.

I think I talked about "cramping" (as in menstrual) in my first blog in November, but...I never started my period. I was supposed to start October 30th. I am so sick of this. I am always - ALWAYS at least two weeks late and usually more.

I had an abnormal mammogram about 6 weeks ago, and I am going to see a surgeon on December 3rd. I doubt that they will find cancer. I think it is just something they do if they see something weird. I have some sort of calcification in my breast which may or may not signify cancer. These calcifications are usually seen in people over 50 though, which is kind of perplexing. But, it is not unheard of for someone aged 36 to have this show up in a mammogram. I will save my anxiety for AFTER the dr's appt. I am just glad that they are so proactive with women and breast cancer these days.

My glands in my neck feel swollen, I feel tired all the time, and there is something wrong that I just can NOT put my finger on...Maybe, I am just spread a little too thin these days with work, school and volunteering at the pregnancy center.

My ex-husband kissed me on the mouth the other day. Just a peck, but one that he meant for me to think about, because he grabbed me and planted it right on my unsuspecting lips. I felt REALLY weird about it. I am not attracted to him in that way at all right now, so it left me feeling confused. All this is on top of him asking to be my room mate, and him telling me that he still loves me and always will. I thought he just wanted to move in and be friends. We can't be married, we can't be lovers, so why is he confusing the issue now? I need to let him know that I am not interested in anything other than friendship. I surely do not need that complication right now. Being his room mate is one thing (I was that for four years), but being more than friends and being room mates is not on my agenda.

Lazy

2007-11-13T14:01:00.001-05:00

I just really haven't felt like updating lately. I should. I think it helps me think about things to see them in print, but I have just been lazy.

Arrgh. The only class that I could register for that wouldnt interfere with my volunteer work, is a class on the campus that is 40 minutes away from my house instead of the usual 5. I mean. It is just twice a week, but that is so annoying. I am really thinking about dropping it and taking it next term. That might just be the best thing for me to do right now. Next term, they offer the same class 5 minutes away. I dont want to drive that far...there! I am going to withdraw.

See how I worked that out by seeing it in print? Awesome.

I have a lot more to type about, but I just don't feel inspired. I have tons of work to do here, and I just can't rant and rave about ME all day! What kind of person would I be if I did?!

Unmotivated

2007-11-06T11:42:00.000-05:00

I do not want to be at work today. I am just not motivated to be here. I think I am cramping...which we all know what that signifies. I am sure that is the source of my unmotivation. I was supposed to start on Oct 30, but of course since I am always a week or two late, I am not going to start until today. Hmmm. I guess it could be worse. I am shaky, clumsy, and pretty much a total wreck. Geez.

My ex husband asked again if he could be my room mate. And with my daughter on the brink of moving out, I have to say, the selfish money grubbing part of me wants to let him move in to her empty room and pay half the rent. I am still considering this option. I will have to lay down some ground rules though. I will not be nagged in my own home, and I will be in charge of the remote. This is not a democracy.

He also said that he is still in love with me. He will just have to keep that to himself. I am not even thinking about romance right now. I have too much going on.

I am tired today. I have a test in psychology and I don't even care. Blah fucking blah blah blah.

I am still considering turning my cable off in addition to the phone/dsl that I had turned off. I just need the money and I need to not watch so much tv.

I feel depressed. This is kinda funny, because I think I accidentally took my antidepressant twice this morning. Weird.

Ack. What can I say. I feel like a dumbass, dork, dimwitted nobody.

There, how's that for an entry.

4 Minutes

2007-11-05T18:26:00.000-05:00

I wanted to at least write a short blog to show that I am still alive and kickin. I turned off my DSL at home, so I only get to write in my blog from work, which hasn't worked out very well as of late.

I have a lot to write about, but just not enough time.

Last night I went out with some friends to a concert. It was okay. I am not a big fan of The Cult, but whatever. I had to take care of some very, very drunk friends, and of course, there isn't anything different about that than any other time I go out with friends. I was the designated driver, and upon dropping the owner of the car off at home, I scraped down the side of his Infinity on a pole of a stand alone garage thingy in his yard. He was drunk and was pissed, and I was still driving his car to take everyone else home, so I pulled away and just hoped he would cool off.
I think things are okay. The damage wasn't too bad, and in my opinion, I think they all those drunk fuckers should be glad that I went along to rescue them. I do feel bad about it - really bad. But, I am a guilt ridden person anyway.

Going out is just not for me. The consequences outweigh the rewards for me. I am too old.

Dilemma

2007-10-22T11:45:00.000-04:00

I have a dilemma.

My friends want to plan a "girl trip" to florida for sometime in November.
The thing is, my friends can afford the trip. They have careers, or they are married and their husband's make a lot of money, or they have inherited money from a source.
I am not in their league at all right now. I was at one time, but not right now. Not with working part-time, and going to school. I have been even thinking about turning off my phone and DSL, just so I can buy enough groceries to live on each month. Priorities, right?

Well, they have all decided that they would pay my portion on the beach house, and cover me if they decide to go out to eat somewhere expensive. Two of my friends said that they would NOT go if I couldn't go. I know they want me there. I know they want me there bad enough to pay most of my way. I am flattered, really. I know they expect nothing in return; however, I just can't do it. I have felt like I have been taking handouts from people my entire life. Being a single mom, and raising her on my own, I had to swallow alot of pride and let people help me once in a while. But, my daughter is 19, and I am NOBODY's charity case - not anymore.

The second reason that I don't want to go, is because one of my friends has decided to take her teenage daughter. Now, I love this kid, and I have no problem with her coming, except for the fact that I can't afford to bring my daughter along. So, while my friend is bringing her daughter, because she couldn't bare leaving her at home while she went and had fun at the beach...my daughter will be at home.

3rd and final reason - I have no one to watch my bulldog, and the house that they have talked about renting allows NO PETS, NO EXCEPTIONS. I can't leave him home with my daughter, she has a busy life of her own. I refuse to kennel him, because bulldogs are so fragile, that I am afraid they wouldnt take very good care of him. Bulldogs have a lot of issues that one has to be acutely aware of at all times, and I just cant leave him for 4 days without obsessing over him the whole time. Maybe, that sounds crazy, but I can't help it. If I were planning the vacation, I would stay somewhere pet friendly, but I am not. I have no control over any of it.

Anyway, that is where I stand right now. I have tried to back out several times, but my friends keep pushing. I am meeting them on Wednesday night to talk about the trip. I will just let them know, thanks, but no thanks.

Friday!

2007-10-19T09:53:00.000-04:00

I am sooo tired today, but so glad that it is Friday.

The long day yesterday went well. Work, volunteer, school...I got home at 8pm last night after leaving in the morning at 7am. I felt like giving myself a "high 5" (or is it hi-5?)Oh whatever...it could be low 5 or lo-5, what the hell? Anyway, I was really proud of what I accomplished on Thursday.

Furiousball, I have no idea how you do all of the things you do. You are a mad man. And a good father ta boot. You have inspired me on a lot of levels that you don't even realize.

I have so much work to do today. I am going to try and stay over at least an hour, and I plan to come in on Saturday for a few as well. I really just need the money. I can do this...I think I can. I think I can...

Parts of my psychology class are starting to get a bit more interesting. Like the different stages of development that some of us reach, or get stuck in. I don't think I have EVER let myself develop real intimacy with a partner. I have always had a barrier up. I have NEVER let myself go completely and absolutely. I wonder if anyone has? I wonder what it would be like. To be lost in intimacy with someone, and to know they were in it with you just as deep. I have no clue what that would be like. It sounds scary, but it also sounds pretty groovy. I think it might be a myth. Something that people think exists, but really doesnt - like perfection.

Maple Syrup

2007-10-16T10:13:00.000-04:00

I keep smelling the sickening smell of maple syrup and brown sugar. I have the feeling that it just might be the old crusty bowls of oatmeal that I ate and shoved into one of my desk drawers without rinsing. I totally meant to take them home before vacation, but I forgot. Out of sight, out of mind - I should have never put them in that drawer. I have to take them home tonight; otherwise, that smell is going to give me a migraine. I am glad that to everyone else, it probably just smells like body spray or a candle...but to me, it smells like migraine.

I am getting closer and closer to stepping out the door and going for a jog. I have been walking a good bit lately. I am going to keep walking until I start jogging. And then, I am going to stop eating until I get skinny. Or, maybe, I'll just eat healthy for a change.

Crap. I have Psychology tonight. Yuck.

You know, I just want to feel sexy for a change. I want to feel attractive and delicious and confident. I will add that to my list of goals.

Damn!

2007-10-15T17:32:00.000-04:00

Damn, my house is clean. One of the complaints that my husband had about me was that my house cleaning wasn't quite up to his standards. I won't go much into that, but I was working full time and so was he, and he expected me to be Martha Stewart, and he insisted that our house should look like Better Homes and Gardens. But, he always lived in fantasy land, and I knew that I would never meet up to his standards. I have to admit, I let things go, just because I knew that no matter what, he would never be satisfied.

Since I have started cleaning all of HIS junk and clutter out of my house, and placing it on my porch for him to pick up (whenever that might be), my house is slowly but surely coming together. I am finding that I am not a messy person at all. My daughter has started keeping her room clean, and if it weren't for me having to pick up after my rambunctious bulldog, I would hardly have anything to clean. My house smells like bleach, my bed is made and everything is in its place. I actually feel like I can live here in this old house, and I feel relaxed.

This is definitely not a house that a single woman needs to live in. There are electrical things that need to be fixed, things are always falling apart. There is a big yard that needs to be cut(which I have no problem doing - I just might have picked somewhere without such a big yard had I known). I thought I was going to have a husband and a partner to help me, but it didn't quite turn out that way. He knew, though. He knew when we moved in this house in January that he wasn't going to be here long. He moved out in February. Left me with the rent and a house that is falling in. Luckily, I have an excellent landlord and if anything major goes wrong, she will take care of it.

Okay, I guess I am having a bitter moment. I am such an independent person, and have no problem taking care of myself. I just wish sometimes, that someone would look after me for a change. That didn't happen in my marriage, I was still the major bread winner and I took care of everything but taking out the trash.

I really am fine, but I do have to remember now and then that I just got out of a divorce in which my spouse took away my dignity, my money, and all respect that I had for myself. I think the bitterness is coming from the fact that I am doing better on my own (not financially), but emotionally, physically, and in all other aspects of my life.

I pushed my ex away again this weekend, and told him, I just needed my space. He is still being shady, and I am just not into the drama. I have signed legal papers that say I am free from his drama now, so I don't need him doing his PUSSY check call every single night.

Oh geez. I never know what is going to come out of my brain when I sit down to write my blogs. Perhaps, I shouldn't have taken 2 xanax's before writing. Maybe, next time I will drink a glass of sherry and see what that invokes from my mixed up head.

As I am typing this, I can hear Frankie, the bulldog, tearing my house apart.

President's List

2007-10-13T15:46:00.000-04:00

Apparently, I made the President's list at school for my fabulous academic achievement. I have a big brain. Yay! It is kinda funny. I don't know why. My daughter was pretty proud of me, though. She thought it was awesome. What can I say? I am a fine example.

My bulldog has had an ear infection for a good while and I have finally gotten it under control. My vet wanted to charge me over $200 for treatment, and some sort of test. I told her, "no thanks", and then she treated me like I was Michael Vic or something. Whatever. I did some reading and ordered some medicine for like $9. Bulldogs ARE a lot of trouble. If you are ever thinking of getting one, think twice if you aren't made of money. On the other hand, if you are willing to do some research, you can keep them healthy on your own for minimal expense. A lot of work, but still worth it. He is my baby, and I love him. He is well worth every penny I spend and more.

My daughter went out on a date with a new boy today. He came and picked her up. Which is weird, because most of the guys she has dated, haven't had a car, or license, or both. He is good boy. I know him, because he dated my STEP-daughter a couple of years ago. My daughter asked permission from the step-daughter before accepting a date from him which I thought was quite commendable. She and my step-daughter are best friends. I do hope she was telling the truth when she told my daughter to go-for-it. You never know with girls.

By the way, I have a beautiful daughter, who is everything that I could have asked for and more. She is all of the things that I ever wanted to be rolled up in a tiny little package. She is about 4'11", and weighs all of 100lbs soaking wet. She is creative, funny, intelligent, an avid reader and an excellent writer. When I read her blog, I am envious of her writing ability. Which, is pretty cool, since I made her in my belly.

I watch way too much tv and listen to way too little music these days. I have got to start catching up my my music. Any suggestions? After this blog, I am going to put in a couple of cd's and do some cleaning...and turn of that damn devil tube.

I have been trying to figure out why I hate psychology so much. I have a theory. I try to take people as they are on the surface. I don't have time, nor the energy to try and figure out people, and I guess that might be why I get taken advantage of, or really shocked when I figure out I have been manipulated in some way. I haven't ever sat around trying to figure out how to manipulate situations, and I am not good at planning and scheming for my own benefit. I understand that people do these things, but I am really not interested in why. We all have our demons, and we all have reasons that we do the things we do. It is called "life". I try not to look too deep into other people's psyche; otherwise, I might see too much. I don't want to see too much - I want to live in ignorance. I want to take people for face value. I can guess all day about what makes other people tick, but at the end of the day, I am just guessing, and no one ever REALLY knows another person. I only show people the parts of me that I want them to see, and usually when other people guess about what really makes me tick, or who I am, they are wrong. Psychology is a lot of guessing, and psychology involves critical thinking and picking people's minds apart. In the end, I am just not interested in guessing. People are who they are. Now, I am not saying that I am not a people watcher, because I AM. I LOVE to watch people. But, I am usually wondering what they ate for breakfast or where they are going, rather than what is really underneath. I guess this might contradict what I said about looking at men and wondering if they are liars, or cheaters...no, I guess it doesn't. I don't care why they are that way, I just wonder if they are. Hmmm.

Enough of that. I am not even sure if that makes sense. I am just trying to understand why psychology is so boring to me. I thought I would enjoy it. It kind of bothers me that I hate it. Not sure why.

I am here alone. I am going to pamper myself. I am going to put honey in my hair, and clean the house. Now...that is pampering.

Vacation

2007-10-12T12:12:00.000-04:00

I am at home. Woo hoo! I am off today and Monday giving me a four day weekend. Yep. Yeppers. Four whole days to myself.

I have got to get my house straightened back out. I haven't cleaned since my sister came to visit and destroyed my house. She is like a swirling Adult Deficit Disorder tornado. I still haven't fully recovered. And I thought I was forgetful...whoa! I got nothin on my sister. I love her even if she does drive me crazy.

I am having trouble typing on my keyboard at home. I can NOT type as fast or as accurately. I feel like I am typing on jello or something.

When I am in bed, just about to fall asleep, I think of all kinds of clever things to write about in my blog. I am so insightful and funny in that twilight. Maybe, I am just dreaming that I am clever and insightful. I never really fall into a deep sleep, so I am probably dreaming right now. Am I ever really awake?

The big issue on my mind right now is health. Now that the weather has cooled off, I really don't have any excuse not to start walking, or jogging, or getting off the couch even.

I am starting to like myself. Who woulda thunk...if you actually involve yourself in the things that interest you...you become who you want to be. Weird. What a concept.

Migraine

2007-10-10T13:06:00.000-04:00

Another day waking up with a fucking migraine. It gets old. I thought I was going to have to leave work early, but I took some medication that might be working, so here I am. I never know what is going to work. Should I eat chocolate? Should I not eat chocolate? Should I drink caffeine, should I not? Should I take enough medication to kill a horse, or will a Goody Powder and a coke do the trick. You would think I would have this all figured out by now, since I have had migraines since around age 4! But, I don't, and probably never will. I try to remind myself about the people I know who are in pain every second of every day. That tends to keep me from feeling sorry for myself.

Actually, as I sit here, I am noticing that my migraine is completely gone. What a beautiful thing. Now, I need a nap.

I guess I should make an amendment to the blog yesterday about how I am no longer sexually attracted to men, and that all of them make me wanna gag (haha...what's wrong with a little gagging among friends?). Anywho, I guess it is really more or less looking around at strangers. Men that I might have found attractive in the past. I am not impressed by their manliness, or their handsomeness. I find myself thinking about what they REALLY think about their significant others. Are they cheaters or liars, or just plain losers, or even abusers (emotional or otherwise).
So, I am just plain uninterested in getting to know any new males, for friendship or otherwise. It could be fear, it could be that I am just apathetic toward to male species in general, or it could be that men aren't really interested in my fat ass, and this is my way of coping with rejection.

Today would have been my 4 year anniversary. I'm not even sad about it.

Stress

2007-10-09T11:04:00.000-04:00

I kinda feel stressed. I definitely think I have bitten off more than I can chew. I am going to continue through with the volunteering, because - remember I am working on "commitment". And this is a commitment that I have made to myself, because it is something that I have always wanted to do. I am going to follow through with it entirely. I may have to take Thursdays off at work though. I am going to look into it. That way, I won't dread Thursday so much. I don't know. We'll see how it goes this week first.

I feel no attraction to the opposite sex right now. I have sexual feelings, per say, but I do not find men attractive at all. I think I am just bitter right now, and I think if things didnt work out with the ex, then really, things wont work out with any other man. It is so weird. I look at men, even cute men, and I think to myself, "gag!". I apologize to any man reading this right now, but I have just had enough already. I am so glad that my husband no longer lives with me, and does not have ANY control over ANY portion of my life. I am so glad that I dont have to give him blow jobs, or fight him off before bed because I am too tired. Sometimes, I would just offer a blow job, because that is a quick and easy way to get them off your back. But, he didn't deserve my blow jobs, and right now, I can't think of one man that does. They are way too delicious for the average man.

Wow, I wasn't expecting that rant today.

I need a coke, or some popcorn, or both. I got up early this morning and got in to work an hour earlier than usual. Fucking fantastic. I love it. I can either leave early, or get an hour extra on the ol' paycheck.

Headaches

2007-10-08T13:49:00.000-04:00

I have had a headache everyday for a week or more. A couple of them have been migraines, and some of them are just migraines waiting to happen. I have one right now. I know that these are related to the changes in the weather. I can tell the difference. They are persistant.

Last Thursday was my first day volunteering at the pregnancy center, and it was the longest day of my entire life. My sister came to town the night before at 2:30am, so my house was in CHAOS Thursday morning. I went to work, went straight to volunteer, and then went straight to my psychology class Thursday night. WOW! What a day. Thursdays are going to be sheer hell, I can tell. That's okay. I am doing this for a good cause, and all the other days of the week, are going to be easy as pie, because my hours are 9am-2pm. Cant beat that with a stick...nope.

My ex finally came by and dropped some money off for me. Thank GOD! I was not going to make it this month. He came thru with flying colors, and didn't even question me when I told him that I really didn't want to hang out with him this weekend. I needed to recover from my sister and her chaos. I think he probably understood, because he knows her. He IS asking me if I want to go to the drag races with him this coming weekend. I am really trying to ween off of him (or ween him off of me) - I think in the future, one of us is going to get jealous and pissed off, and I sure the hell don't want it to be me. I am fine alone...really I am.

I did it!

2007-10-03T12:47:00.000-04:00

They offered me a counseling position at the pregnancy resource center. They will do intensive training for the first few months. I am so excited that they are taking a chance on me. I start tomorrow. I only have to volunteer 4 hours a week, and that is easy! I am so happy, I hope I do well.

My ex husband is acting strange...or, maybe I am just figuring a few things out about him. He is a user, and I know that even though I am not having sex with him, he is using me for something. I don't know quite what, and I don't know quite how, but I know something is up. I don't trust him.

I almost made a grave mistake the other day. I was feeling a little randy, darling...so I shaved all my bits, painted my nails, spent the whole day pampering myself, and decided that if the ex were to stop by, that I would try to coax him into the bedroom somehow. Now, what the hell was I thinking!? Thank GOD I didn't get much time to try and reel him in, because he was tired and picked up all of his stuff and scuffled out pretty quickly. I was feeling so horny that I was willing to have sex with the one person that I am pretty disgusted by right now. That is scary. I think I was just thinking about health and safety matters, but now that I stop and step back a little, I realize that he could be having sex with anyone, and I am just assuming that he isn't. Plus, wow, he would love nothing more than to have that little bit of control back. What the HELL was I thinking?!

Well, it didn't happen, and he is none the wiser. He would probably kick himself, because he is constantly "hinting" around about free sex, etc...and making me cum.
Not going to happen. Nope. Glad that little hormonal wave has passed without incident. Well, I am still horny, but not to the point that I would make such a grave error in judgement.

Pregnancy

2007-09-26T15:03:00.000-04:00

Not mine! I am filling out an application to volunteer at a crisis pregnancy center.
I am dead against abortion, which I am sure could spark many a heated debate, but my belief on this matter is not bendable. Now, I do have an exception, and the reason for this exception is that I know, that if my daughter's life were in danger, and it was because of the unborn child inside her, I would be lying if I were to say that I would prefer to have her sacrifice her life for her unborn child's.

Anyway, back to the subject at hand. I am in the process of filling out the application so that I can volunteer/counsel people that are faced with unplanned pregnancy, and try to sway them away from abortion. The application is extremely personal, and I am just having a hard time with some of it. One reason is that I don't know a lot about scripture, and it seems that a lot of the questions relate to my relationship with Christ. Also, it is like a job application in the fact that I have to list my strengths and weaknesses, etc. GEEZ! It is just becoming a chore, and I hope that I do not get discouraged.

I am at work trying to waste time again. I need to get in 8 hours today. Only two more to go! Ack!

Action

2007-09-22T11:10:00.000-04:00

Me here. At work on Saturday again. This time 2 coworkers have joined me. It kind of makes the time go by faster. Although, I did have to share my popcorn!

Since I have been listening to The Worry Cure on cd, I have really been learning a lot about how I have used my anxiety as a crutch and an excuse to put things off, or take the easy route. Like, my ex-husband did something that kind of pissed me off last night, and I started ruminating about it - being pissed off, and then I typed him an email. Well, while I was typing the email, I realized that I was taking a coward's approach (as usual), and I decided to give him a call later and give him a heads up on how I am feeling about what he did. I told myself to put off worrying about it until later on this afternoon. And wow! What freedom!

Also, I have discovered that a lot of my worry hinges on procrastination. I procrastinate with everything! And that huge source of worry and anxiety for me.
My dog needs heartworm medicine. Well, I have worried about that for 2 weeks now...so, today I am going to go and get it so that I can STOP WORRYING about it.
How freakin easy is that???????? I am beginning to think that I like the torture of worry. It gives me something to do. Well, it GAVE me something to do. Not anymore! I am putting ACTION into my worried thoughts. If it is a problem that I can solve, I will come up with a solution, if not, I will let it go. Action.

Now lets just hope I remember to pick up the heartworm medicine on the way home today. Wish me luck!

Algebra

2007-09-21T13:53:00.001-04:00

I got an A in Algebra. Yay! Now what will I worry about?!

Anyone wanna send me a magic "wand" so that I can celebrate?
I'm feelin like a bad girl today. I like it.

Today

2007-09-21T09:39:00.000-04:00

I just don't feel like working today. It isn't often that I don't feel like working at the beginning of the day...it is usually the afternoon. I am also very impatient about finding out my grade in Algebra. I know I made an A in biology. I want an A in Algebra so bad that I can taste it. If I have to deal with a B, I will deal with it...but, I keep worrying that I missed something, or did really bad on the last two tests (that we never got a grade for) - If I get a C, I will be kinda pissed.

Anyway! I tried to get my social security card with my maiden name on it, but apparently my final divorce decree didn't have my birthdate on it, so they didnt know if it was really me getting a divorce or someone else with my same exact name. So, unfortunately, I have to wait for my lawyer to make an ammendment to my papers before I can get on with changing my name. I am not surprised.

I am having a bit of an addiction problem. I started smoking a cigarette now and then when I was going thru the divorce (I used it as an excuse), and now I am having trouble quitting. I have to quit. I hate smoking, and I want to be healthy and the best me that I can be. I can't do that while smoking. I have quit before, and that is what makes this situation so damn STUPID! Just call me idiot.

I have been listening to The Worry Cure book on cd, and I finally listened to the entire thing. I am going to listen to it again. I was surprised at how many, many things in my personality are defined by my anxiety. Right down to my impatience, my obsessions, and my insecurities. I have to say though, that my anxieties were not caused by anything terrible that happened in my life...I have had anxiety since about age 3...maybe even sooner. It is biological - period. I will learn to control it.

My sister wants me to go to Washington DC with her in December, and a few of my girlfriends want to take a trip to the beach in October. Both parties have agreed to pay MY part of the hotel expense. I feel like such a dumbass, but they tell me that they want me there, and they don't care about the money. I have good friends.

President

2007-09-14T16:26:00.000-04:00

I have no idea who I am going to vote for in the Presidential Election. Geez...I am lost. This time, I have been totally uninterested in reading about the candidates, and I have been bored with all things politics. This is not the way I am ordinarily. Hopefully, as the election moves closer, I will start educating myself. I mean, I know what party I vote for, I know what issues I care about...but, you know, voting is a big deal - I'd like to get it right.

One more day of Algebra (Monday), and two more days of Biology (Monday, Wednesday). How exciting!

There is a tornado warning right now in my city. People are leaving to go home in droves. It is kinda stupid I think, to leave this secure building to get out in the storm and traffic when there is a tornado warning. That is why I am writing this blog. I am riding out the storm. People can be dumb. Any excuse to leave early.

My husband and I are still hanging out as just friends. No hanky panky, no holding hands and no kissing. Although, I did have to masturbate before going to bed last night. The lack of sex might be getting to me a little. I will never admit that to the ex though. I need to buy me that vibrating wand. I have always wanted it. I need it! My hand is tired.

Wha?!

2007-09-08T08:35:00.000-04:00

Okay, it has been 31 days + 3 weeks since my ex and I signed our divorce papers. I still haven't received any word, nor any signed papers from a judge. I am starting to get a little antsy. Those papers need to be in my mailbox pretty soon. It is going to be such a pain to get my name changed back to my maiden name, I am in a hurry to get started. I hope nothing has happened to stop the divorce somehow. Surely not - I can not think of anything that would keep the judge from signing those papers.

I feel really good today. I felt good yesterday. Hey! I am starting to see a pattern. I am not sure what is going on, but I will take feeling good on any day. I thought I was slipping back into a depression last weekend, but it didn't happen. I was just starting to hate myself, when I pulled right out of it. Weird. Probably had something to do with the talk my ex had with me over the weekend. From what I gathered, I wasn't crazy the whole time we were married, he was. He said that he unintentionally made me think I was the one who was crazy. Alright. I can live with that.

I am at work on this early Saturday morning, getting in some extra hours. I am eating Peanut M&Ms and Fritos. What a great early morning snack. Should do wonders for my high cholesterol.

After work today I am going to check out a festival about 20 minutes away from here with my mom. It is in the town that I just moved from this past January. I miss living there, and I want to move back. I miss living near my parents too. I mean, I am not really that far from them now, but I was just around the corner.

I am starting to do things outside again. Yay! The heat is breaking. I keep dreaming about running again. I would love to run the 10k classic next year. That was my favorite race back 5 years ago when I was healthy. I am going to try it again. I am going to have to start out walking...very slow.

I Can Feel It

2007-09-07T10:37:00.000-04:00

Fall is in the air. I know it is there. I can feel it coming. I am so excited!!! I am turning in my vacation request form today, so that I can request off some days at the end of Sept./beginning of Oct, and then again sometime during October. October is my favorite month. I am so excited. I live for October. I guess that could be considered pathetic, but at least I live for something.

I need to start taking better care of myself. I have said it before, but I think I might even mean it this time. Life feels okay right now. I might make it. I have got to stop worrying about what-ifs. I have got to start living my life.

The talk that I had with my ex-husband over the weekend really helped me. It was very therapeutic, and I am feeling alot better about myself, and about his motives.
I dont mind being his friend as long as I know where I stand. I am divorced (even though I still haven't gotten the signed paper from my attorney!). I am no longer legally bound to this man, and I am happy about that. There is freedom in our friendship that I did not have in our marriage. I am my own person, singular, but I can still spend time with him...but, only if I want to.

I sure wish my hair would grow faster. I am ready for it to drag the floor.

Pain Killer

2007-09-04T13:03:00.000-04:00

I just took a pain killer. Yay. I like pills. BUT, I do not take them very often. I have a prescription for xanax and that is the only thing that I really take, and I try to save those for times when I really need them. Pills like pain killers or muscle relaxers, I like to take occasionally, which probably means every six months or so...about as often as I take a drink. Not much into drinking, but I do like a glass of Sherry now and then, as I am sure that I have written before. Everything I do is in great moderation. That being said, I just took a pain killer and I am happy to say that I am going to be feelin pretty groovy in a few minutes. I have a bit of a headache, so...that is a good enough excuse, right? Plus the fact that I have 2 hours left at work and I am bored out of my damn mind. Another good excuse for drugs...boredom.

We got an email at work today saying that we can't listen to internet radio anymore, so I am very sad that I will not be listening to Yahoo radio. I can bring in some cd's though. I have a self-help cd on anxiety that I need to listen to anyway. The Worry Cure - it is actually a book on cd, and I keep leaving it at home.

The ex-husband came over this weekend, and pretty much spent all weekend with me. It was his birthday on Sunday, so I was kind of lenient in letting him spend the night, etc. He slept on the couch and NO hanky panky, although, he did hint around for it a good bit. We had a long talk in which he confessed that he feels guilty about how things turned out for us, and he feels like I am struggling with depression and a few other things because of the things he did to me during our marriage. It was good to hear him say it, and I agree with him. He said he is going to do everything in his power to help me become the person I was when he met me. He said he felt that he destroyed me, and that he wants to help me get back on my feet.

I actually think he was sincere, and a load has been lifted from my shoulders.

Saturday

2007-09-01T09:12:00.000-04:00

Here I am on a Saturday morning at work. This time, I am making up the hours I missed when I had to go home on migraine Thursday. Damn. Well, at least my check will not be short those hours. I would have rather had extra, but thats fine...really.

I had to make sure that I got here when I said I was going to. I didn't realize that my coworker is scared to be in the building alone, so last week I was an hour and a half later than I said I was going to be and my coworker freaked out on me when I finally got here. Since I am not scared to be in this building alone, I didn't think she would be, but I was WRONG. So, this morning, I made sure to get here on time. I felt so bad. The building is VERY secure, but I know how it is with shadows and what-ifs.

I think my ex-husband is actually playing it cool and trying to win me back. He said that I am his best friend, but in actuality, I think he is just making me think he just wants to be friends until he can move in for the kill. As long as I know what he is doing in the back of my mind, then I certainly wont be caught off guard when he tries to execute his plan.

I still haven't received my divorce papers signed by the judge. I thought it only took 31 days? I should have been celebrating 15 days ago. I am getting nervous. I mean, everything should be fine, but damn...WTF?!

Just a couple more weeks of school left for the quarter. I cant believe another quarter has flown by. I'll be done before I even have a chance to adjust to the chaos. Wow.

Hmmm.

2007-08-31T11:57:00.000-04:00

I dreamed that I cut my hair off last night. That isn't going to happen! I keep thinking that I might look better with a shorter hair cut, but I dont care!!! I want long hair damn it!

I got a call from my doctor yesterday, and my total cholesterol is over 400, and my triglycerides are over 2000. Now, if you aren't familiar with that type of stuff, let just say that I am pretty much the walking dead. With triglycerides being over just 1000, a person is at extreme risk of developing acute pancreatitis...not to mention, um...A HEART ATTACK!

I am overweight, but not to the point where you would think that my cholesterol would be so damn high. My ex husbands isnt even that high, and he is a big guy that eats a lot of crap! I dont eat that much, and I dont eat that shitty. Anyway, I am now on two different types of cholesterol medicine. Go me!

I had a terrible migraine yesterday - and everyone at work got to see me at my finest. I was having a tough time just speaking. Just think about the absent minded professor, and multiply that by a thousand. I know I just looked like an idiot. Everyone was so sweet though. I hate for anyone to see me that way. The pain is so intense that it is just hard to function. I drove myself home and went to bed (after taking a handful of meds). I am glad and amazed that it is the first time that my new employer/coworkers have seen me with a migraine. Since I work part time, I usually have them at home, or I can rearrange my schedule to accomodate. Yesterday, I just thought I was going to lick the migraine before it progressed to that extent. I was wrong. Oh well.

Stuff

2007-08-24T09:52:00.001-04:00

Geez! A couple of weeks ago, my mom told me that my nephew had lice. Now, I was only around him for a brief period of time (in my mom's van, and at my house), but my scalp has been crawling for the past two weeks, and I can't stop thinking about it. Can anyone say, "OBSESS MUCH?". I swear...I know in my head that I do not have lice, and that it is nearly impossible for it to jump off of his head on to mine within the matter of minutes that he was around me, but, there is always that slim chance. He DID pet my dog, and sit on my couch, and I DID ride in the same car with him. I will probably obsess over this for a couple more weeks, and then I will eventually forget about it. ARRRRGH!

I just called my attorney's office, and they haven't gotten my papers back from the judge yet. It has been 31 days + 7 days now. I am not happy. I want those divorce papers signed, and I want to get rolling on all the name change crap that I have to do. Also, I hate being in limbo...Do I introduce myself as Blah blah, or Blah dee?

Ew. My scalp is just crawling.

Oh and I lost 6 lbs. Not even trying. I am not even hungry. It is this antidepressant. I eat until I am full and then I eat no more. I don't even really notice that I am hungry until I am absolutely starving.

One Month

2007-08-20T15:40:00.000-04:00

I have one month left until this quarter is over. I am taking tomorrow off so that I can study for two biology tests that I have on Wednesday. I think I have an algebra test tonight. I am pretty sure he said tonight. Algebra is my Arch Nemesis - I have never been good at Algebra, and after this quarter, I will be done with it forever! Muah hahaha! I am so good at everything else. But it does seem like it is finally sinking in. I am terribly worried before each test, but hey...I am not quitting. Not this time.

One month. I am really going to celebrate.

Hey, my divorce should be final. I should be single as I sit and type this. I haven't received my signed paperwork yet. Maybe, I should call the lawyer.

The ex-husband came over and washed & waxed my car yesterday. Interesting. We also went to church yesterday morning, and then out to eat lunch...My daughter is trying to figure out what he has up his sleeve, but I think he is just lonely, and I am comfortable to him. And HEY, my car looks damn fabulous.

I guess I should get back to work.

Saturday Work

2007-08-18T08:45:00.000-04:00

I am at work on Saturday. I asked my boss if I could come in on Saturdays to get a few more hours in. I live 15 minutes from work, so it isn't like a huge deal. I don't even have to dress up. I have on a black tshirt and jogging pants today. Actually, I really don't mind being here at all on Saturday. I usually wake up around 7 or 8am anyway to take the dog out, and then I spend a few hours on the couch planning out my day. This way, I can plan my day at work from 8am-12pm, and make money while I am doing it.

I just need the money. I am so afraid of not being able to make it. I am one tiny little disaster away from not being able to pay my bills.

My ex husband is kind of getting on my nerves with his not being able to let go thing. He is constantly calling and always inviting me places. I really just wish he would move on with his life. I am tired of being his sounding board, and his friend...but, I am a nice person, so I will probably never tell him to leave me alone. I kind of feel sorry for him. This is what he wanted, and now, he seems lost.

I want to pamper myself, or at least get a damn haircut. Hence, another reason for me to be at work on Saturday. I hope this works out.

Commitment

2007-08-16T10:00:00.000-04:00

It is interesting that going through a divorce has helped me better understand the concept of commitment. I am realizing things about myself that I haven't ever realized. Like the fact that I don't have commitment issues - unless it pertains to commiting to myself.

What I mean is that I would have stayed fully committed in my marriage and to my husband, because I said I would, and I made a promise before God, my family and friends. I believe that marriage should be forever; however, I can't be the only person committed to the marriage, and it took me a while, but I finally realized that no matter how much one might be committed to something, if that something requires a partner to be just as committed...and that partner is not willing, nor able to commit, well, power is lost, and your commitment means nothing.

Having said all that, what I can control are the commitments that I make to myself.
This is the first time that this concept has crossed my mind. I can make commitments to myself, and actually keep them. Power in my hands, all in my control. My power. My commitments. Whether it be to follow through with college, or grow my hair to my ass, or to keep my kitchen spotless...it is all MY power.

I have realized that while I haven't struggled with commitment to my daughter, or my husband, I have not made a real commitment to myself. I haven't really known that I could until now. To realize this makes me feel reborn, and powerful.

For you, Grant.

2007-08-09T10:20:00.000-04:00

Wow. I am a space cadet right now. I am taking a new antidepressant and I am just absent minded. I LIKE IT! It is nice to just drift around, bobbing my head for a while, instead of worrying all day about nothing, or lying around on the couch, because I can't stand myself enough to pry myself off the couch and do something constructive.

When I first started taking it, it made me really speedy. I felt like I was on speed without the nervousness, or anxiety. I turned into an Algebra wizard! I did algebra for hours! It was kinda weird. I couldnt sit down, and sit still. TV was very uninteresting. Of course, that phase only lasted a few days, and now I am dopey and smiley, and I feel good pretty much all over.

In all seriousness, I do feel better. Life looks better, and I am able to continue on with school without wondering why I am putting myself thru it. I just wish I had a magic pill that would make me LOVE to clean house. My house is a wreck...but I feel good.

The ex-husband came over Saturday and took me to dinner and a movie. He tried to hold my hand during the movie, and he tried to kiss me after dropping me off at home.
I did not hold his hand, and I gave him the cool cheek when he went to kiss my lips.
He has lost his mind. He kept calling me beautiful all night. His plan at the beginning of the day had been for us to go out of town and get a hotel (to relax, he said). Anyway, I turned that idea down flat, so it morphed into dinner and a movie.
At least, I got the hundred dollars he owed me.

School is going well. I am going to change my major over to Radiology Tech for sure. I made up my mind. I think it will be the better decision in the long run, and possibly the short run too (which is why I am changing).

I could ramble on all day. This antidepressant makes me focus on one thing VERY intently, but I must get back to work.

Quickie

2007-08-03T15:08:00.000-04:00

I am posting a quick blog before I leave work in 10 minutes. Got some time to waste.

I am thinking about changing my major from Medical Lab Technology to Radiology Tech. There seems to be a little more money(okay, alot) in Radiology, and I want MONEY. Of course, if I do Rad Tech, I would have to work with people again; however, I would be able to specialize in an area of interest and it would dictate the type of people I talk to...Hell, they might even be under anesthesia... I don't know. But, I need to figure it out soon.

I keep thinking about cutting my hair, but I dont want to. I mean, I need a trim, but I want to keep growing it long. I just wish my mind would stop thinking of cute short hair cuts. I promised myself I would grow my hair until I was out of school. It is at my bra strap now. I think it is just at an awkward length.

So, I am going to check the website at the skating rink, and if they have 21 and over night this Sunday night, I will be there or be square. Well, I am already a square.

Confession

2007-07-31T10:30:00.000-04:00

Well, I was going to type a long confession about the blog entry I typed yesterday. I was going to tell you how pretty much most of it was bullshit...well, at least the part where I implied that I am not or do not want to be a girly girl. I was going to type about how much I would like to wear high heel-fuck me pumps, and have the longest, fakest, reddest fingernails in the south...I want to be sexy and girly and I want to smell like a stripper.

But, something else has come up. I am severely depressed. To the point where I cant even function right now. I felt it fair to bring up what I WAS going to talk about. Just to let you know what I was really thinking, but now, what was going to be a long blog about sexual fantasies and the like, is really just going to be me telling you that if I don't get some type of help soon with my depression, things are going to get bad. Real bad. The kind of bad where someone ends up dead.

Dont worry, I am contacting a therapist and my primary care physician right now. I am not an idiot.

High Maintenance

2007-07-27T08:50:00.000-04:00

Here's the thing. I get a call from an ex-boyfriend of mine a few days ago... Actually, he is an ex-fiance. Really, it is a long story that I won't get into right now. I will tell you this much - We met in Renton, WA in 1991 (1992?). We still keep in touch. Well, he still keeps in touch. He has told me several times that he feels so comfortable talking to me - as a matter of fact, he says he can't talk to anyone as openly as he can talk to me. I have heard this before from other men. I make men feel like they can be themselves (so I hear). My ex-husband says that he can only breathe comfortably when is around me. That I am the only one that he never had to "pretend" around.

Great. I have a string of ex-boyfriends, and ex-lovers who think that I am comfortable to be around, and fun to hang out with. The ones that know me, know that I am pretty smart too.
What's the kicker? Why don't I have any staying power?

My ex-husband came to visit over the weekend, and he says that men like high maintenance women. He said, "90% of men want a woman who is high maintenance". So, men like women that shave their legs and pussy every single day. They want a woman who curls and twirls her hair every single day, and also want a woman that does her make-up to perfection EVERY SINGLE DAY. He even remarked that men like GIRLY GIRLS, girls that complain about breaking nails, and girls whose mouths run on incessantly talking about shallow girly things.

Wow. So...I have no chance in this world of keeping a relationship of any substance. I had no idea that men prefer high maintenance chicks to this degree. Men actually enjoy the nagging and complaining? They enjoy the girls that shop and talk about clothes and make-up and jewelry and tanning and boobs?!

I don't know how to do that, and if you know me, you know I am not exactly worried about getting my nails and hair "did"... I am fucking doomed.

Believe it or not, low maintenance can be sexy. At least you know what I am going to look like in the morning.

Blog Blog

2007-07-23T15:01:00.001-04:00

I just finished having an extra long lunch with my coworkers. My direct supervisor is from the Ukraine, and she is so very interesting. I was planning just to take a 15 minute break, but it turned into an hour.

I feel better today than I have in quite some time. I felt pretty good yesterday too. Another reason that I haven't updated since Thursday is because I have just felt like crap. I am not sure why I feel better, but I am pretty damn happy about it.

I have also starting taking that new over-the-counter diet pill Alli. Fortunately, I haven't had any of the gross possible side effects that are listed on the bottle. I wont point them out here...I need to shed the extra pounds that I have put on since getting married. Too bad I was too depressed and let down to do it while I was still married. My ex-husband is just shallow enough to have treated me better if I were skinnier.

I have been feeling pretty sexual lately. It is certainly a nice change; however, it is kind of frustrating when you aren't sure if you will ever even have sex again! But, for now, I am just glad that I am having feelings at all.

Living on my own is pretty scary, I am going to admit this one time and one time only. I am sooo scared that I can't make it on my own for long enough to finish school. I just need 2 years. 2 years! Let me work this part time job long enough to make it thru school. PLEASE! I've got to do this.

I am rambling on today. Maybe, it is my new vitamins. I bought some hair and nail vitamins, and I seem to have some more energy - happy energy. I really haven't felt this happy in ohhh 6 months or more.

Veiner Schnitzel, I think of you all the time, and I can not wait until you are feeling better.

Must go.

Pizza

2007-07-19T13:30:00.000-04:00

Only 2 hours left here at work. The day has flown by. One of the girls has a birthday today, so we got to have a pizza and cake party! That helped a lot. After having the past two days off, I was dreading work today, but hey, not too shabby.

My back is hurting. I feel like I strained it somehow...damn. I cant really stand for very long without feeling a burning sensation up and down my back. Ouch. Oh well.

We signed the divorce papers yesterday! Woo hoo! I got the husband to agree to meet me at the house, and then we went over together to sign the papers. I thought that might be the only way to ensure that he would actually sign the papers. I could just imagine myself begging him everyday for the next 6 months to stop by the attorney own his own. I promise you, I would never be divorced.

He was kind of pissy at the end when we were almost done signing. He started throwing the papers at the notary after he signed each one, and then he jumped up and asked if they needed anything else from him. After that, he stormed out. I apologized for his behavior, and the lady just said, "It's okay, you never know how they are going to react". I bet she has seen some drama. I came outside to get in the car, and I asked him what happened, and he said, "This isn't the happiest day of my life, you know". While, I understand that this isn't the happiest day of his life, I do know that sometimes, we should just act like adults, even if we dont feel like it. I do it ALL the time...it is easy. Well, the papers got signed, and I should be a free woman in about 30 days.

I am feeling pretty darn okay about the whole thing. My friend next door says that she thinks I am in shock, and that it will hit me eventually. I don't hold that same theory. I think have been mourning the loss of our marriage for years, and that I am already healing. The divorce is just the last step in my healing process. Now, he just needs to get all of his stuff out of my house.

Yo

2007-07-17T13:17:00.000-04:00

I went to the doctor today for a physical. My blood pressure was high. I am certain that my blood pressure is caused by my weight gain. Anyway, they took a lot of blood and I should hear something soon.

The husband was supposed to meet me to sign the divorce papers today, but of course, he had a million excuses as to why he couldn't do it today. Figures. I made him promise that he would do it tomorrow. I am so tired of this. I want out, and I want out NOW.

I have been feeling a little less depressed. Probably because I started my period, and that always makes a girl feel special...

The other day, the husband came by to look over the divorce papers and he told me that we could have sex, no strings attached, if I were ever in the need. HAHAHAHAHA! No strings attached. Wow! Thanks! What a fucking deal! Um...no fucking thank you, dumbass?!

Sex is the absolute last thing on my mind right now. Well, maybe not the last thing, but sex with HIM is the last thing on my mind. I am trying to figure out how not to become a lesbian after all of this.

I took the day off, so that I could go to the Dr, and then sign the divorce papers. I guess I will go enjoy the rest of my day, since I wont be signing any papers today.

Crappy Day

2007-07-13T14:13:00.000-04:00

It seems the more depressed I am, the harder it is to post a blog entry.

I got the paperwork back from the attorney and looked it over last night. I see no problems, and I don't see that the husband will see any problems either. I hope that paperwork signed and notarized ASAP.

I am not sure if I am really depressed about the marriage ending, or if I am just depressed. I really think I am okay with the divorce. Last night, I think I was more depressed about thinking that I had fucked up at work, and not really so much about getting the papers from the attorney.

Last night, I drank too much Sherry, and smoked too many cigarettes with my friend next door.
I had a hangover when I woke up. Blah. Luckily, I only have another 40 minutes to go here at work. I am back to part time hours.

Yesterday was a crappy day. I hope this day goes better. It has so far, I guess. I started my period finally after being 2 freakin weeks late. No pregnancy scare here though. Sad, but true.

The husband has agreed to take our german shepherd/lab mix with him. I just can't take care of so many animals. 2 dogs and a cat. Cyrus (the sheperd), is such a cool dog. He is smart, and house trained and everything you would ever need in a watch dog. He also LOVES my soon to be ex. I am so glad that he agreed to take Cyrus. I was so worried about having to take so many animals to the vet, and buying so much food. Yay for me! Yay for Cyrus!

Attorney

2007-07-10T20:02:00.000-04:00

Today I met with the divorce attorney. She said she would have the paperwork ready in about a week, and after the paperwork is signed, it will be 31 days before the divorce is final. That will be a relief. This story needs an ending.

I don't know why I have been so tired. Once I get home, I can't even function. I feel so lazy, but I just can't do anything about it. I could lie down and sleep right now - I could have gone to sleep at 6:30. I made a dr's appt for next week. I am going to get a physical. Hopefully, I am just fat and lazy and depressed...

I am about to go next door to hang out with my friend. Maybe, I will have a glass of Sherry. That'll wake me up, right?

School starts tomorrow. Yuck. I am almost too tired to think about it. At least I don't have to work tomorrow. The project is finished. I had my yearly review at work yesterday and passed with flying colors. I love my job, so that wasn't too hard to accomplish. I will write more on that later...

Gotta go lay down before I mosey next door. Ugh.

Well

2007-07-07T20:02:00.000-04:00

I smell poop. I think the dog must have pooped somewhere around my computer desk. It is hidden somewhere...I just know it.

The husband dropped by today to tell me that he did not want a divorce, and that he would do anything to save our marriage.

Wha?

Overtime

2007-07-06T15:18:00.000-04:00

I am trying to decide whether to stay late at work tonight to make up a couple of hours, or if I should just come in tomorrow for a couple of hours. I am thinking about the latter. I could stay late, but it just seems so damn easy to come in on Saturday for a couple of hours. No big deal at all really. Especially not since I have been doing it for a couple of weeks. It would seem weird not to. The only thing is, since we got "holiday" pay on the 4th, I wont be getting any overtime this week, so I am only planning to work 40 hours. I dont really even have to do the full 40 hours. I am only obligated for 25; however, I want the money. I could just say F*ck it and not work on Saturday or Sundayn and not make up the 2 hours that I need to make 40 hours. Since I am part time, they only give me 6 hours instead of 8 on holidays. ( I feel lucky to get paid at all!).
Does anyone really care about this? Will I care about reading this months from now????

I am taking Saturday and Sunday off. That settles it.

The husband is coming over to move his stuff out on Sunday, and I haven't had the chance to get it all ready. I want to make the transaction as smooth as possible. I haven't cleaned house in two weeks it seems, and next week, school starts back. Oh, and Tuesday, I have a meeting with the divorce attorney. I am starting to wonder if I shouldnt just try and file the papers without an attorney. IT is so expensive, and my parents are paying. I just feel bad.

I will work as long as I can possibly stand it today, and then I am out of here for the weekend.

Anyhow.

Dead People

2007-07-05T13:53:00.000-04:00

Here is the deal. I am getting better and better. I am lucky that I don't have kids. A friend of mine is going through a divorce, and his ex is moving to another state and taking his children. Things could certainly be worse for me. He is devastated. I feel really bad for him. Nothing in my life is more important than my daughter, and I can't even try to imagine how he feels...Something like that doesnt have an ending...it just goes on.

I had a great 4th. I went to a bbq next door. The night before, I actually went out to a bar. I was the designated driver (as usual), but I had one drink and that was enough for me. My two friends were trashed! I mean, TRASHED. But, hey, they arrived home safe and sound thanks to me. One friend, we will call him *P*, anyway, *P* decided he could see dead people, and while we were playing Yahtzee back at the house, he kept telling me that he had never seen so many "people" around someone before. I told him that there are a lot of people in my family are dead, and he said "I KNOW! IT'S CRAZY!! THERE ARE A LOT!". That was funny. It kinda freaked me out. I left not too long after.

First of all, if I have so many dead relatives following me around, I want to know if they are there when I masturbate. Also, why are they with me, and not with my mom or dad?

The husband called me last night after I got home from the bbq. He was drunk and wanted to know if he could come by and crash on my couch. I told him "NO". He begged and begged for a few minutes, but I told him that I am no longer responsible for him and that he needed to call someone else. I think he is getting the picture.

Thank God my friend moved next door. If I were just a tad bit lonelier, I may not have had the strength to finally start telling him no.

After much thought, I have decided to go back to my maiden name after the divorce. I thought that would be like moving backward...but, the more I think about it, the more I feel it would be like moving forward to me. Moving on.

Things are good.

What?

2007-07-02T14:18:00.000-04:00

Okay, I just have to post these two emails that I got from the husband today:

"How are you today?Any plans for 4th of Julie ?"

My response:

"Good. I am a little sleepy/spacey, but otherwise…I feel good. I took Frankie for a short walk this morning (very short). It was nice.

Yes, we are having a big cook out next door.

How are u?"

His reply:

"I'm good, sore from the ride yesterday. We did over 200 miles all the way up to Ellijay.*Step-daughter* is leaving for Florida with one of her friends today. She'll be gone until the 18th, then she's moving back in with her mom.

Hey, if I get a backrest, would you still like to go on one of those rides up in the mountains?

I don't know what I'm gonna do on the 4th.Ya'll should be able to see the fireworks from the house huh ?

I've got to get my own place...I'm going insane. I had to have a talk with mom today...about how I was born 43 years ago and that I retain things in my brain like how to do everyday things...."I can even tie my shoes and say my ABC's now".... "

What the hell??? What is he thinking? Could somebody tell me? Why would I go on a ride up to the mountains with him? And why is he trying to get me to invite him over for the 4th? Again, why cant he just be a man?

Self Makeover

2007-07-02T10:10:00.000-04:00

I am sooo looking forward to July 4th this year. Not because of the festivities, but just because I wont have to come in to this place. I have worked about 15 days in a row. Now, I know that some people are work-aholics and working 7 days a week isnt so foreign to them, but I am NOT a work-aholic. I cherish my days off like most people. I am just running out of steam.

A few minutes ago, I was feeling weird. Like I-might-pass-out kind of weird. Not sure what that was about, but I am feeling a bit better now. I took one Goody powder, one half xanax, and one propranolol 40mg. Amazing what drugs can do.

My wrists are feeling a little better. I am pushing on. I do hope that I dont do any permanent damage. I doubt I will. I am actually trying to take really good care of them. I am taking anti-inflammatory meds, and wearing a brace, and trying not to do much house work...

The husband called last night and asked if he could "sneak by" and watch my new favorite TV show, ICE ROAD TRUCKERS, with me. Hmmm. He called around 4pm and I purposely didnt answer, because I new he would want to come over. So, he called back around 8pm, and I thought it would be safe to answer, because it was too late for him to swing by...right? Well, I answered, and that is when has asked if he could "sneak by". I said, "I really wasn't expecting company tonight, so." Lucky for me, he took that as a NO, and kinda rambled on for a second or two, and then let me go. He sounded shocked that I said no, even if it was a weak, or implied "no". This is the first weekend that I can remember, that he didn't wriggle his way over to my house for one reason or another. It feels better this way. It feels like it is supposed to feel. I DONT WANT HIM AT MY HOUSE EVERY WEEKEND. IT IS MY HOUSE DAMN IT!

TAKE YOUR SHIT AND STAY AWAY. YOU ARE THE ONE THAT WANTED TO MOVE OUT...YOU WANTED THE DIVORCE, EVEN IF YOU ARE TOO CHICKEN SHIT TO ADMIT IT. NOW BE A MAN AND STAY THE FUCK AWAY. STOP DOING YOUR "PUSSY CHECK" CALLS, AND STOP TRYING TO BE MY FRIEND!

Geez. Sorry about that.

I took Frankie, the bulldog, for a walk this morning. It felt good. He can't walk very far, so I am going to start taking him for walks in the morning, when it is cooler outside, and then I will do a more vigorous walk alone in the afternoon when it is hot. Just finally getting out there this morning is a beginning.

Time for my divorce self-makeover. Don't we all get one?? Lose weight, get in shape, and become the person we always wanted to be...

The make-over phase has begun. Too bad the get-your-shit-out phase isn't over yet. I hadn't meant for those to overlap...but, the husband is dragging out his part.

I am excited.

Paid

2007-06-30T12:19:00.000-04:00

Shew! I can not wait to get my paycheck with all this overtime on it! HOW EXCITING!
I am hoping they come up with more projects like this in the future. Even though it might be tough once I start back to school...I DON'T CARE! I need this money.

The building that I work in is HUMONGOUS! I just practiced jogging on the way back from the bathroom. I could jog around the room that I work in 5 times and it would probably equal a mile. I work in a cubicle. The room is full of them...a million cubicles. It is a nice cubicle though. I have a lot of room, and a lot of privacy...

I feel like jogging around the building. Hey! Why not? Nobody's here.

Today is my daughter's 19th birthday.

More later.

Dreams

2007-06-29T10:04:00.001-04:00

I'm going to update before my hands get tired. They were tired yesterday, but they are okay right now...I better hurry. I forgot my wrist band...ugh.

The husband is not going to be able to get his things out of my house this weekend. (SURPRISE!) He said he doesnt have the money to rent the truck or the rental space right now. I told him he could wait until he gets paid next weekend. Of course I told him that...I'm nice.
I knew that he would put it off though.

He keeps asking me what I am doing this weekend. I don't understand why. He calls me everyday. I am still perplexed about that. He doesn't want me, but he is desperate to spend time with me...and he keeps asking my opinion on things that I am not obligated to help him with anymore.

Whatever. I'm not really perplexed. I don't even know why I pretend to be. It is as simple as this: He hasn't found anyone else yet. Period. Wow. How complicated.

How can I cut him off without looking like a bitch? I do not love him. I do not want to spend time with him. I do not want to help with his problems. I want him to leave me alone. I want him to get his stuff out of my house. ALL OF IT, so that he has no excuse to "stop by".

I should be honest and let him know I am uncomfortable.

I have discovered music again. It is a novel idea. I want more.

I had a very sexual dream last night. I thought that part of me was dead. Well...I guess not!
I can't get it out of my head. Maybe, my next few entries will include some fantasies. I am in the mood.

Good Night

2007-06-27T22:37:00.000-04:00

I'm about to go to sleep. Or as us southerners say; "I'm fixin to go to bed".

I took a phenergan, so that once I am asleep, I will stay asleep.

I am a little sad, a little depressed, and a little mad at myself right now. I feel like a blob of nothing.
Yuck. I can't get motivated to do anything but lay on the couch and watch tv. Sad. Sad. Sad.

What is wrong with me?

Frankie The Bulldog is growling and barking at me...he is ready for bed too.

Okay.

Good Night.

Today

2007-06-26T17:20:00.000-04:00

I am wearing wrist brace. It is helping. I have two other ones that I can put in the freezer or heat in the microwave. They work wonders. I should not be typing this at all, but I need something to do for the next few minutes here at work.

My hands hurt, my wrists hurt and my arms hurt all the way up to my shoulders. Could be worse, right? I could be unable to work at all! I feeel lucky!

Whoa, my boss just came by. Yikes. I know she saw my blog. Oh well.

The husband has called me 4 times today...and Sunday, he called to ask if he could come by and pick up a helmet he left, and when he came over - he stayed for hours and hours. He talked to me about EVERYTHING going on in his life right now. I DONT CARE DAMNIT!

What the hell? He knows we are getting a divorce. He is renting a truck next week to pick up all his stuff from my house (I'll believe that when I see it), yet he keeps calling and wanting to come over to spend time with me.

I would be less perplexed if I were giving up the booty...

My Aching Hands

2007-06-23T17:01:00.000-04:00

My hands are so tired from doing so much data entry. I am working again tomorrow to make that overtime mula. I am excited about getting a substantial paycheck during my next few pay periods. I am also a bit bitter that I am having to work so hard to make ends meet; however, I am ready for the challenge. I've been doing it all my life anyway.

It is much easier now that my daughter has a job, and she pays for everything on her own. She buys her own clothes, pays for her own gas, and all her extra curricular activities. That is something that I never had in the past. She doesn't pay rent, and I will never ask her to. I want her to do well in college. If she decides that she wants to move out on her own, well, that is fine...but she knows she doesnt have to. IF she does move out...that will be weird. I have NEVER lived by myself. I have never been responsible for just me. That is new territory.

When that time comes, I might actually be able to buy some new clothes, and do a lot of things for myself that I have never been able to. Weird. What in the hell will I do. What do I want?
I need to answer those questions. Wow. What a gift. And I am still young.

Young, single, and no children to take care of. Weird. Weird. Weird.

Well, I do have 2 dogs and a cat. I guess I am stuck with those...hahaha.

I can't wait to finish school. I hope my hands hold out for another two years.

I need to write that book.

Life is good. I am a little depressed as to be expected. A little lonelier than I expected...and a lot fatter than I want to be, but, everything is okay...definitely.

Movin on

2007-06-22T18:52:00.000-04:00

I have a meeting with my lawyer on Tuesday, July 10th. She is going on vacation, so I couldn't get an earlier date. That sucks, but at least things will get rolling after that.

The husband is going to come by, not this weekend, but next weekend to get all his stuff moved out of my house. He asked me to make a list of everything that I want to keep. Well, I want everything that is mine...plus everything that isn't his. Anyway, whatever.

I am a bit down in the dumps, because I am broke. My friend next door invited me out to eat, and said she would pay, but that makes me feel like a loser...so, I passed. Damn. I could use a night out to dinner right now. But, that would mean taking a shower and putting some make-up on. Plus, I would have to leave the bully here all by his little lonesome.

I really should clean house. I have dishes in the sink that I haven't washed since...well, I can't remember, but they are piled up. I have been working so much that I don't feel like doing anything when I get home. I work tomorrow and Sunday too.

I can't wait til the money starts rolling in. That will be fabulous.

I'm tired.

Migraine

2007-06-22T10:50:00.000-04:00

I woke up with a horrible migraine around 1am. I thought I was going to have to go to the emergency room. Again, I took just enough medicine to either kill me, or get rid of the migraine. I am still not sure which happened. I think I am alive...

I got to work late, but it doesn't matter as long as I put in 8 hours today. I am going to work 4 hours on Saturday and Sunday, so I can at least get 48 hours in this week.

I got the reply from my soon to be ex-husband:

"I know that we can't go on the way we are now, but I hate the word "divorce" when it comes to us. I guess "it is what it is", but It implies negative bullshit. I've been dragging my feet and trying to think whether or not we could make it work, but the truth is, I'm a confused man. Part of me can't picture a life without you in it, and every time I think about it, it just makes me more confused. Part of me wants so many things from life that I'll probably never have. Part of me thinks I'm dragging you down, slowing you down, and confusing you, which I don't mean to do. Part of me just wants to sleep for a few days and escape life for a while. Truth is, I do love you, miss you, and care about you.Truth is, I know that you love and care about me.Problem is, I don't think I know how to co-exist with another human being, and I'm afraid of screwing things up even more. "

Okay, wha? I take that as a yes. I didn't need all of that crap, so this was my reply:

"Really, I don't need an explanation. I was just really looking for your confirmation, so that you wouldn't be surprised when you got the papers.
Shit happens, and I am ready to move on. I'm not blaming anyone, and I am not mad. I just want to get on with the next chapter.

I'll find a lawyer. It might take me a couple of weeks, because I am working overtime here at work, but I will find one ASAP."

He has called me a couple of times since wanting to just "chat" about everything going on in his life with his job and his kids and his ex-wife , but I am not putting myself in that situation right now. I am going ahead with the divorce, and I am going to be an adult about it. But, I refuse to be his confidante. It isn't my role anymore...

Well, let me get back to work. I am still feeling drugged from my overnight migraine.

Things feel right. I am feeling good. I am making the right decision. I know it.

Nothing

2007-06-20T13:39:00.001-04:00

Since I am working on a big data entry project at work, I am trying to "save" my hands, so this entry will be short and sweet.

I haven't heard anything from my husband. Nothing. No email, and no phone call since that one yesterday. I am assuming that I have my answer, and I am going forward with the plan.

I feel fine with it.

I want to go skating.

I want to talk about more things, but I can't type too much right now. Maybe, tonight.

Email II

2007-06-19T14:33:00.000-04:00

My husband called this morning and said he got the email last night, but didn't get the chance to respond. He didn't sound upset, he just mentioned that he didn't want to lose me. It sounded like he wants to make sure that we remain friends...but, really, I am not going to promise that. There are waaaaay too many factors, and to be honest, I really don't have time to be his friend. I don't have time to solve his problems. I need to work on my own. I don't have time to be his cheering section. I have to cheer myself on...Well, you get the idea. I am planning on taking time for me, and that doesn't involve being my ex husband's friend.

He didn't say much on the phone, we were both quiet. He said he would come up with an email response to my email, but that was hours ago, and I still don't have an email from him. He will be going off to work soon, so I probably wont get a return email until some crazy time in the a.m. when he gets off of work and can't sleep.

I am curious to what he has to say, but at the same time, he has a knack for hurting my feelings, and I am really not looking forward to any of that. Maybe, he will just be as straight to the point as I was. It is the thing to do. IT is the next step. Dragging it out, or lending too much of an explanation as to why we are getting divorced, at this point, will just be a waste of time. I am so hoping for a short and sweet email giving me the go ahead to hire the lawyer.

Email

2007-06-18T15:08:00.001-04:00

I sent this email to my husband today. I hope that it doesn't make him angry. I truly feel that this is what he wants as well, and I am hoping that he is more relieved than angry. However, sometimes, when the other person makes the first move, it still pisses you off no matter what.

"Mom said she would pay for us to get a divorce if we want to go ahead and file.
I would say we could file the papers ourselves, but I think it would just be more hassle than we can deal with right now. I’ll find the lawyer – since it is non-contested and we don’t have any assets (or children) it should be easy.

Let me know what you think"

I am really just looking for closure. He is having a lot of issues with his ex and his children right now. Let's just say, his ex is not treating his children the way they deserve to be treated, and has kicked two of them out. My husband is doing everything he can to help his children, and that is pretty much all I am going to say about that. I am trying to talk his eldest daughter into coming to stay with me. She is not really comfortable with any of her other options. She can stay with me until she decides where she wants to be, I don't care, as long as she is ok.

We are about to start a project at work, and I will get the opportunity to work full time AND over time for the next month or so! I am so excited! It could not have happened at a better time. School is out for a month, and I need the money so bad.

Mom

2007-06-16T21:49:00.001-04:00

Thank God for my mother. She came and rescued me from myself today. Sometimes, I can stay locked in my house for days at a time. Someone usually rescues me, but if they didn't, I could probably disappear...

My daughter had an appointment to get a tattoo, and mom talked me in to getting dressed, so we could go and hang out while daughter was getting all tatted up. I am soooo freakin glad that I went. I didn't even realize that I needed to go out. Scary. I feel recharged, and brand new. Being with my mom always makes me feel that way.

So, I am back now, sitting by myself...I enjoy being alone. Probably a little more than most people. But, sometimes, I fail to realize how much I need to be around other people. I really do need other people. Really! No, really...

My mom said that she would pay for my divorce if I wanted to go ahead and serve the papers.It doesnt look like dear ol' hubby is going to make the first move. I think I will give him a heads up as soon as I can, and go ahead and take her up on the offer.

To be fair

2007-06-15T11:27:00.001-04:00

My mind is all over the place today. I can't concentrate. All I can do is self-reflect on the past 4 years.

To be fair, my husband is partly right. I did probably convince him to marry me. I thought, because he pursued me so diligently in the beginning, that he would love me forever. It took him 3 months to convince me to go out on a date with him. I told him that I wasn't attracted to him, and that we would NEVER be anything more than friends. Hmmm. So, when he didn't give up, and convinced me that I was the most wonderful thing since sliced bread, well, I guess I thought the next step would be marriage. I invited him to move in after we dated for only 4 months, and things pretty much went down hill from there. I assumed that when he moved in that marriage would follow. I know we both talked about it - I didn't just assume on my own, but I am sure that while he may have spoken about marriage in a future sense, I may have taken it to be "right now". I really don't know. I really can't remember...

I do remember taking it upon myself to design my engagement ring, and applying for the financing to get it. WHAT?! Did I really do that?

I also remember feeling clausterphobic when he moved in. I was 32 and had NEVER been married, and NEVER lived with anyone other than my daughter. He was in my space, and it was a huge adjustment.

A couple of months before the wedding, I felt like things were changing. I felt that the luster had worn off, and that my husband was being distant. But, I just thought it was because we were just settling into the relationship and the excitement was starting to wane. Also, I was in the process of planning a wedding , and that was unsettling at best. Planning the wedding was so time consuming and hectic - it almost killed me, so I really didn't have time to notice any red flags (if there were any). I do remember asking my husband on several occasions if he was SURE that he wanted to marry me. If he wanted to put off the wedding, or cancel everything, he had the opportunity to do so. He always said that he was sure...Maybe, he was just scared to admit the truth. Sometimes, that happens. I can't blame him. He got mixed up in the moment, right? I mean, so did I...

The first two days we were married, I felt a panic inside me that I have never known. We went to the mountains on our honeymoon, and I just laid in the bed beside him, wondering what the hell I had done! It was awful! On the other hand, he looked cool as a cucumber, and didn't show the first sign of regret. I felt trapped and I wanted to run. I didn't run though, and by the 4th day or so, everything started to get better. I decided right there, I made a committment and I will stand by my decision...plus, I loved my husband.

Things didn't change after the wedding. My husband was still distant, and I felt that I couldn't do anything right. I wanted to please him. I had no idea how to be a wife. I gave him anything he asked for, and that was my biggest mistake.

Had I realized how unhappy he was before the wedding, I could have saved us both, but I didn't. I think his unhappiness contributed to his taking me for granted, and for his taking all of my money and ruining my credit. Perhaps, he thought he deserved it all, because he had gotten roped in to marrying me. He didn't work for an entire year, and I supported him. Wow. Thinking back...he must have really felt trapped and depressed. He did what he had to do, I guess.

I have to take responsibility for my part in all of this. Maybe, I was trying to create some sort of fairy tale just because a man was persistent in trying to date me. I felt he loved me more than I loved him, and that made me feel safe. I know that sounds terrible, but I didn't count on the fact that his love was only infatuation/lust, and would eventually wear off. I didn't know that the tables would turn, and I would be left with nothing.

Fine. Now, I hope I can move on. Shit happens. It doesn't have to be anyone's fault. I can accept that.

HA!

2007-06-14T16:22:00.001-04:00

I don't have much to complain about today. Positive thinking equals positive results. It is pretty sad that I don't have anything to complain about. I am complaining about not complaining. Wow.

I will be leaving work in about 7 minutes, and I am hoping to go home and clean house with a vengence. I was going to do that yesterday, but I was too tired. I even had the day off, but I was still too tired.

I made an A in my biology class, by the way. The final was a breeze. Well, I say it was a "breeze", but I studied until I almost puked, so it better have been a breeze! Now, I get a month off to rest...

Things are going just fine. I still haven't talked to my husband. He calls and we make small talk. He even emailed me some surface bulls*t today. I think we both know what is up. We just need to make all the arrangments now. File the papers, etc. He needs to rent another storage unit, because a lot of the furniture in the house was his. Weird.

One of my friends told me the other day that she and he were talking one night, and he told her (she was drunk - he was sober), anyway, he told her that I roped him in to marrying him, and that he didn't want to get married again. I wonder how many people he told that story to. Just for the record, I never roped anyone in to anything. I would NEVER force someone to do something against their will - or even strongly suggest it. It is not in my nature. That kind of made me feel like an idiot. Only after I realized that if he told one of my good friends that story, he probably told a lot of other people as well.

And I thought I couldn't come up with something to complain about. HA!

One quick post

2007-06-12T22:23:00.000-04:00

My biology final is tomorrow, and I just finished studying for the night. I studied for six hours straight and still didn't cover all of the material. I will be getting up at 5am.

Nothing new on the husband front. We haven't gotten the chance to talk. Divorce is the name of my game. Don't know what his is. Don't care.

Must sleep.

Its about to happen...

2007-06-11T23:04:00.000-04:00

My husband and I just had a brief conversation about our relationship on the phone. We are going to talk tomorrow. He had to go back to work. I know where things are going. He knows where things are going.

Its about to happen.

So. It is 5:47pm

2007-06-11T17:33:00.000-04:00

I am supposed to stay at work today until 6pm. I am trying my damndest. I can not think of a better time to write a blog entry.

I took a make-up test in biology today. They are a billion times harder than the regular tests...it is their way of convincing you to NEVER miss another test. Well, I didn't mean to miss this test. I literally overslept. It was the dumbest thing in the world. Anyway, I made an 81, and I am happy with it. It was hard. I was suprised that I made that high of a grade. I must have thrown in some pretty good bullshit. I think I am going to have an A in the class. The final is Wednesday.

Geez. 5:38.

I feel really great today. I am not sure what is going on. Maybe, it is the relief of the end of the quarter drawing near. I just don't know. I feel happy. I can't wait to go home and make dinner and then study for my final.

Maybe, I feel happy, because I think things are going to work out somehow in my favor. School is going better than I expected it would. I am trying not to think about the fact that I am in school at 36, but there are students in my class waaaay older than me. Also, I think I am going to be able to stretch my money to pay my bills - as long as a disaster doesnt happen. I am not prepared for any surprises.

I am really just rambling on.

My husband did end up coming over this weekend. He came over Saturday night and we went out to dinner with my best friend and her husband. My daughter and her boyfriend came as well. It was my best friend's birthday, and we went to Carrabas. The husband spent the night Saturday, and Sunday night. I still don't know what is up with him. He had a few shots of Crown Royal, and started mumbling about our relationship and asked me if I thought I could sleep in the same bed with him eventually...I think he is just nuckin futz. He don't know what he is doing...

Twisted

2007-06-09T14:14:00.000-04:00

Seriously, when I let my imagination run wild, I've discovered that I really have a twisted, fucked up mind. I think about writing a book, but I am not so sure that I want people to know that I have those kind of thoughts just lying around in the back of my mind. Authors that write really twisted and fucked up stories really have a lot of courage. I sat back at my computer and decided to let my mind run wild, and it scared me. If you knew me, you would probably think that I sit around thinking about bunnies and butterflies all the time. This just aint true. I am one fucked up individual - only in my mind, though. Maybe, I am afraid if I let some of it out, I might actually become that person.

If I should decide to sit down and write out some of the stories in my head, I will HAVE to make sure that it is password protected - I would hate for my daughter to read it. And I'll have to have a pen name. Yes...definitely a pen name.

Ego

2007-06-07T17:58:00.000-04:00

A girl here at work just gave me 3 bananas. I don't really like bananas. I eat them sometimes, because I know they are good for me. I like bananas in my fruit smoothies, but I just dont like the texture when I peel one and eat it. Ew. But, I am a little hungry, and I keep thinking about eating one of those bananas. Maybe, my taste buds have changed...I think I'll try one.

Some tall weird man just walked by my computer and looked at my screen. WTF? Checkin up on me, are ya? Strange.

I feel really good right now. I am in a good place. I spent time with my parents yesterday. At one point, I laughed so hard with my mom that I almost pee'd my pants. She does that to me. Once we start laughing...it is all over. I love my parents. I have a great relationship with both of them. They are my stability. They have been married 38 years.

I have stopped taking my husband's calls. He called several times yesterday and the night before and could not reach me, so he started calling other people. He left me a message saying that he was worried, so I ended up having to call him. He wanted to know my plans for the weekend, and I told him that I was going to this "thing" on Saturday with my good friend/neighbor, and he said he had been planning to ask me to go on another ride with him this
Saturday. He sounded disappointed.

He also asked me if I missed him. That really pissed me off!
Just because he thinks I'm moving on again (and I am), he decided to care again. WHAT?! He hasn't asked me anything remotely like that in over 6 weeks! Why did he ask me that now? Do I miss him?! No, actually, I don't. We don't kiss when we are together, we don't hold hands, we don't do anything married couples do...WHY WOULD I MISS HIM?? He contributes nothing - nada - zip - zero... Now, that is an ego.

Ack

2007-06-05T18:06:00.000-04:00

I came home and the sink is full of dishes, the house is a wreck, and I need to study.
Damn. I am trying to keep a positive attitude. I had a positive attitude all day...until I got home.

Okay, I am closing my eyes, and now I am smiling. I must go study. I must make an A on both tests tomorrow. I can not settle for less. I had a bowl of cereal, and now I am ready ta go. Woo hoo! YES! Woo hoo! Life is great! I am smiling! Happy. Happy. Happy thoughts.

Wait...I think I smell poo.

Somebody Slap Me

2007-06-04T18:13:00.000-04:00

Geez. Would somebody slap me please!???
I just can't snap out of this funk. I took a xanax in hopes of feeling better, but now I just feel blah, and sleepy. I need to study! I need to snap out of it!

Maybe, I just need a good spanking.

I told my husband yesterday that I thought hypnosis wasn't real, and that I didn't think I could be hypnotized. He told me that he thought that I could be hypnotized very easily, because I am easily manipulated by suggestion. He told me that I am a follower, not a leader...

I think he confuses my submissive nature with weakness...a lot of men probably do.

My daughter bought me the book - The Secret. I am going to start reading it tonight between studying biology and taking sips of Sherry. I might even smoke a couple of cigarettes. Can someone please lead me in the right direction? Without a great and mighty leader, I might not be able to function this evening.